Asking For Help

I was at a point in my life where something needed to change. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. But I also couldn't bring myself to act on them. I had always thought I was going to have a wife and kids. But that felt like wishful thinking. I was lost.

How was I supposed to reconcile my values with my desires? I had no answer. So I poured myself into work, mostly to distract myself. I was paralyzed by indecision. Do I leave my faith? Do I try and live a celibate life? I didn't see a way out. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

I tried to find answers. But I didn't have anyone I could talk to. So I looked online. Most everything I found left me feeling hopeless. I knew I needed help, but I didn't know where to get it.

I became increasingly desperate. I turned to God and asked Him to help me. It wasn't a single event, but more of a process. I became more intentional about church and prayer. I didn't get an immediate answer, but over time I felt a sort of peace and resolve.

Still, my circumstances weren't changing. However, I did find a little more courage to take matters into my own hands. I had thought about trying to find a therapist, but was also very hesitant. I had done therapy in high school and hated it. This time would be different, I hoped.

Finding the right therapist can be a challenge. I did as much research as I could. When I finally decided to reach out, it took me months to work up the courage. But I wish I did so sooner.

That began a long journey of healing and self-discovery. I worked with that first therapist for several years. We largely focused on processing early relational wounds caused by adverse childhood experiences. That helped decrease the same-sex attraction, but it didn't make it go away completely.

Eventually, I had reached a point of diminishing returns and realized I needed more support. So I met with other professionals, including a neurofeedback clinician who helped me learn to regulate my nervous system, and a microbiome coach who taught me about nutrition. With each professional I met, I learned a little more about myself. And with that knowledge, I could affect more change.

The professionals I worked with got me started on a path. But I also had to do a lot of learning on my own. Through it all, there are several things I've come to realize.

• It's ok to reach out for help. We need each other. Healing doesn't occur in a vacuum.
• Don't wait for the circumstances to change. Find the courage to change your circumstances. Don't let shame prevent you from action.
• Be determined to find answers to your satisfaction.
• I used to think that 'time heals all wounds'. But I'm actually not so sure that's the case; there are some wounds that can fester if left untreated.
• Healing sometimes requires experimentation to see what works and what doesn't.
• Sometimes God doesn't take away our struggles just because we ask. Rather I think He allows them so that we can learn the lessons He has in store for us.
• God can direct our efforts. He can place people in our path to help us.
• There isn't a single solution for overcoming same-sex attraction. Rather, there are a lot of small things we can do that add up to big changes.

It goes without saying, but managing same-sex attraction isn't a one-time event. It's a process and there are a lot of moving parts. I'm grateful for the journey I've been on. But I'm not done yet. I've still got a long ways to go.

My mind used to constantly be preoccupied with same-sex attraction. But not so much anymore. Every once in a while it pops up, but the difference is now I have tools to manage. And for the first time in a while, I kind of like the person I'm becoming.

My journey will probably be different than yours. I'm writing this because if you're struggling, I'd encourage you to reach out for help. It doesn't have to be a therapist. It can be a friend. A spiritual leader. Just someone that can help shoulder the weight. It can be the scariest thing to do. But it can be the beginning of an amazing journey of self-discovery.