Finding a Therapist

It's hard to find a therapist to work with, especially when struggling with unwanted same-sex attraction and gender issues. In my experience, these issues are delicate and aren't something that typically resolve over time without some help.

Support can come from friends, family, faith and fellowship. All of these avenues are complimentary. But today my focus is on finding support from a qualified clinician.

It's easier said than done. Let me outline the issue.

The American Psychological Association (APA) endorses affirmative, 'evidence-based' psychological practices for LGBTQ+ and gender issues in therapy. They emphasize that sexual orientations and gender identities are normal variations. Furthermore, they suggest that such identities have strong biological components, are innate, and determined to a significant degree; therefore they reject any attempts to realize change. In fact, many clinicians are trained to 'affirm' same-sex feelings and LGBTQ+ identities.

However, in my opinion, this is neither helpful nor compassionate.

I believe sexuality is not fixed, innate, or binary. It is fluid and influenced by many factors including early life experiences. It is better conceptualized as a spectrum. While there might be genetic factors that make one susceptible to same-sex attraction or gender issues, that outcome is largely the result of nurture, not nature. I don't think variations in sexuality are 'mental illness,' rather merely byproducts of early attachment deficits. And a more compassionate approach might be to address the root cause of the emotional distress rather than affirm a symptom that stems from it. Doing so can result in shifts in sexuality.

This viewpoint runs counter the current mainstream narrative supported by the APA. But for those who might struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, what recourse is there? How do you find a clinician who will support you in your therapeutic goals – as opposed to advocating for a specific ideological perspective. Put differently, how do you find someone who can help when the world says you can't change?

At the time of this writing, I'm only aware of a handful of clinicians who are suited to the task. But rather than providing a list of providers, I want to identify qualities such clinicians have. Here are a few things to look for. The clinician should:

• Have an understanding of attachment theory and attachment wounds
• Be trauma-informed and can work to root out early adverse childhood experiences
• Have an understanding of addiction, trauma, and their impact on the nervous system
• Be supportive of the client's therapeutic goals
• Be the the same sex as the client¹

This isn't a comprehensive list and each of these bullets could be an article on their own. Admittedly, it's a daunting task finding the right therapist. When meeting with one, I suggest bringing up your concerns at the onset to make sure both parties are on the same page. There are therapists out there that can help, but many of them have been placed in a difficult position.

I suspect this issue will soon be in the spotlight. The U.S. Supreme Court is set to hear the Chiles v. Salazar case on October 7, 2025. The case follows a Colorado therapist who challenges the state's ban on conversion therapy for minors, claiming it infringes on free speech by restricting certain therapeutic discussions.

If the ban is upheld this would reinforce the APA's stance against 'conversion therapy' as unethical and harmful, potentially accelerating similar bans nationwide. This would make the situation that much harder for those seeking alternatives.

Conversely, if the ban is struck down, it might support therapists to pursue other approaches that are not 'affirming', aligning more with the viewpoint that sexuality fluid and subject to change.

People should be free to direct their own lives and choose their own therapeutic goals. It's not a decision that should be left to others or the government. We'll have to see how it plays out, but I'm hopeful.

1. Those of us that struggle with same-sex attraction often have difficulty relating to those of our same sex in healthy, platonic ways. I think having a therapist who is the same sex can provide a healing relational experience that we might not have had in the past.