I Got Shadowbanned

There's an important truth that I think is being hidden from people. That is: sexuality is not set in stone. It's fluid. And people can change. It's not hate speech. It's not homophobic. It's simply been my experience. And I don't think I'm the only one.

That's primarily what this newsletter is about. The intent is to share my own journey, insights, and thoughts. I want to explore what the science says. I want to connect with others. And most importantly, I want to foster a supportive community so that we don't have to feel alone.

But since I've started writing, I've had a lot of trouble getting much engagement. I know there's a need out there, but I'm not sure if we're culturally ready to have this discussion yet.

I've had two recent experiences that illustrate this: one on X, formerly known as Twitter. And the other on Reddit, the 'heart of the internet'.

I should preface that I generally avoid social media. But I decided that if I was going to share, I needed to have some kind of presence. So I made and X account several months ago. And I started posting snippets of the newsletter, sharing thoughts I had, and replying to posts.

But the internet is kind of hostile and unforgiving. People tend to mock 'ex-gay' narratives on X. Admittedly, most of those narratives don't resonate with me either. But shortly after I started, I got a notification saying that my account had been labeled as spam. I could post, but no one would see. No one would respond. It's as if my account disappeared.

I'm still trying to figure out why I've been marked as spam. There's not much recourse. And my limited reach has been further hampered. After some thought, I decided to try my luck on another platform. This time I chose Reddit.

Reddit is interesting because the posts tend to be much more vulnerable compared to other social media. I think this is mostly because users are anonymous. Perfect. Maybe this will be a good move.

After I made an account, I was happy to find a few small communities already talking about what I want to talk about. So I joined the groups r/Exhomosexual and r/SSAChristian. These are small groups with little engagement. But I still was optimistic.

I started responding to people's posts and making comments. I tried to be as thoughtful and considerate as I could. But after a few days, I noticed the same thing: people weren't engaging with me.

No matter. It takes time, I thought to myself. But I was wrong.

I tried to log in a few days later, but couldn't get back in. I tried different browsers and different devices. I reset the password a few times. Still nothing. What is going on? I was starting to get worried.

I revisited the posts I had left comments on and found nothing. I had spent a fair amount of time crafting my responses. But nothing I wrote was showing up on Reddit. There was no trace. Did I get shadowbanned?

When logged out, I tried to view my profile and this is what I found: my account had been suspended.

It'd be fair to say that I'm pretty frustrated. I had shared a view that was different than the dominant narrative (that people can change) and was met with heavy censorship. I was expecting pushback to a certain extent – after all, the topic invites controversy. But I think having the discussion is healthy. I just didn't expect to get canceled.

This whole experience brings up larger questions about the state of our society, free speech, big tech, etc. But I don't want to take away from the focus of the newsletter.

The worst part is not that I got shadowbanned, but it's that people looking for answers are being frustrated in their efforts. Opinions and research get buried. And people are left with only one option: be your true self and accept who you are because people can't change.

I hesitate to write this post because I worry it'll come off the wrong way. I'm not trying to complain. But I am trying to shed light on the issue.

Individuals struggling with their sexuality need support. But that's not what we're getting nowadays. Instead, we're being told that we're 'born that way' and that we can't change. We're met with 'affirmative therapy' and Pride parades. We're told that emotional distress we feel is because of 'internalized homophobia' or because society isn't accepting enough. But none of this is true.

What we're not being told is that even though those feelings are very real, they're perhaps pointing to deeper wounds begging for relief. But those wounds aren't because we're broken or defective. They speak to circumstances outside our control. Things that have happened to us. And the emotional distress we feel are echoes from the past.

So, is it more compassionate to affirm a symptom? Or to treat the root cause of the distress?

My bet is on the latter. And so, I'm doubling down on my efforts to speak up. Even if just a few people hear what I have to say: of course, change is possible.