'Which of the following best describes your sexual orientation?'

I was recently filling out some forms for work. My heart sank when I came across one that was particularly disturbing. It was called the 'Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity and Expression (SOGIE) form.'

I am not filling this out, I thought.

I quickly scanned through the document and was relieved to see that the form was completely voluntary. But to my dismay, when I tried to submit my documents online, I was directed to not leave any fields blank...

So much for 'voluntary'.

I reread the instructions. Apparently the purpose of the form was to 'identify and address the needs of [the employer's] diverse workforce [and provide] equal opportunity in employment.' What the hell.

How is my sexual orientation, gender identity, and expression relevant to my work? Here's what the question looked like:

I don't know why this paperwork made me so uncomfortable. It almost made me angry. I've given it some thought why it's so frustrating and I can think of at least 5 reasons:

Privacy – I'm sort of a private person by nature. I think that comes from my childhood. Not knowing if or how to trust people. I struggle to share this kind of information with close friends, let alone my employer. For most people, sexual orientation has no inherent connection to accounting, sales, engineering, or most jobs. And it's disturbing that an employer would need to track and measure it.

Security – But beyond how I personally feel about the issue, I also don't see any benefit from sharing that information. Not only is it not anyone's business the personal details of my life, but now I risk sharing those details with people I don't know. Once it's in the system, it's completely outside my control. It wouldn't surprise me if my data was brokered or a database was hacked. In today's data-driven economy, privacy will be a luxury in the future. And it's simply not a risk I'm willing to take for no benefit whatsoever.

Identity Politics & Division – Or perhaps there is a benefit? I can see how such information could be used to give preferential treatment to those who identify differently. But what about those who don't fall in those favored buckets? They may end up feeling resentment. It's part of the reason why I'm a believer in merit. It infuriates me when employment or performance is measured on anything besides the relevant metrics. I want people to see me as a person, not a sexual identity.

Sex Obsessed – More broadly, I think the form itself suggests a cultural obsession with sex. We treat sexual preference as if it's the defining characteristic of one's existence. But in reality, it's just a small part of who we are. We've made such a big deal out of it that it's seeped into our bureaucracy — so much so that we now reduce our thoughts and feelings to multiple-choice forms. Your value comes from what you build, how you treat people, your competence, and your character. Not who you're attracted to.

Sowing Confusion – Finally, no wonder it's confusing for younger people nowadays. Imagine being fresh out of college, filling out your first corporate onboarding form. Instead of focusing on your degree or experience, you're scrolling through dozens of options: pansexual? genderqueer? demisexual? The message is clear — your private feelings about attraction aren't something to ponder quietly with friends or a journal. They're a mandatory checkbox that defines how the company will categorize, support, and promote you. It's not helpful. It's a naive and misdirected compassion that's sowing confusion. It's no surprise so many experiment with labels as social signaling. It's performative. And it's misguided.

In the end, I thought about marking 'straight'; but then I felt like that wasn't quite true. Instead, I thought about marking 'questioning'. But that felt too true. So I ended up marking 'prefer not to say'. I don't want to play this game.

At the end of the day, no form is going to capture perfectly how you feel. You should be allowed to disclose your deepest feelings at the right time in the right place with the right people.

Filling out the form felt like I was declaring something that was set in stone. But when it comes to feelings, we know those are seldom concrete.

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