Do Gay Couples Last?

I have a few gay friends. I think all of them have relationship issues. A few are in rocky, but committed long-term relationships. But most everyone else I know subscribes to hookup culture – finding intense relationships that seem to burn out quick.

I've watched as bystander, curious to see if they could make it work. Because if they could make it work, then maybe that's what I would want. At least part of me might have wanted that. But I haven't seen it happen...at least in real life.

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Jr. spoke about this recently in the Lila Rose Show¹.

He references the 1984 book, The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop by David P. McWhirter and Andrew M. Mattison². In their study of 156 gay male couples, they found that sexual monogamy (or exclusivity) was extremely rare, with only seven couples practicing it, and none of those lasting beyond five years.

All gay couples that had lasted longer than five years had incorporated provisions for outside sexual activity. The authors – who were a gay couple themselves³ – concluded that expecting monogamy could actually undermine the stability of the relationship. Instead, they argued for redefining 'fidelity' in gay male relationships as emotional commitment rather than sexual exclusivity. They noted that non-monogamous arrangements under agreed conditions were the norm and could even be essential for enduring partnerships.

This isn't the only research that supports my observation. I also found a 2003 study by Xiridou et al., examining gay men in Amsterdam⁴. Authors reported that gay relationships on average lasted about two years, with high rates of outside partners.

But maybe I'm just cherry-picking these examples. More recent research seems to be contradictory.

For instance, a 2020 study analyzed Swedish registry data from 1995–2012 and found that among childless unions, male same-sex marriages had the lowest divorce probability compared to female same-sex and opposite-sex marriages⁵. Another research had similar findings: in a longitudinal study of 190 adoptive couples over the first 5 years of parenthood, gay male couples had a dissolution rate of 2.0%, compared to 8.3% for heterosexual couples (and 12.3% for lesbian couples)⁶. This suggests some longevity to gay couples, with gay male unions faring better than lesbian ones.

So what's the answer? Do gay couples last?

I remain unconvinced.

It seems like you can find any study to support any view nowadays. But I don't like relying on what the literature says. There are always limitations, biases and shortcomings.

My observation is this: more recent studies – post 'marriage equality' (Obergefell v. Hodges) – seem to show favorable data regarding longevity in gay couples. However, older research doesn't seem to support this. I wonder if the research is really just a product of the times, influenced by the cultural zeitgeist. Nowadays, social media seems to be dominated by happy gay couples. But that doesn't really line up with what I've seen in real life.

Beyond the research, I've got a few theories on why gay couples might not last. In my personal experience, I was largely drawn to men who had qualities I felt like I lacked in myself. In hindsight for example, a crush I had on one of my male friends faded once my own emotional needs were met and I actually got to know him better.

For me, the sexual allure of men is greater when I don't really know the man, when there's some mystery. It's almost as if I'm in love with the idea of him. But not actually him. And even then, I don't think I was ever romantically attracted to men. Just sexually attracted to them...sometimes.

I wonder if other guys feel that way too. If so, I wonder if this is why we see a lot of anonymous hookups in gay culture broadly speaking. The fantasy is more compelling than the man himself. Because if you really got to know that guy, if you truly saw him as a peer, that sexual charge might dissipate.

If same-sex attraction is really a maladaptive coping mechanism that stems from early childhood wounds, then keeping the sexual energy alive between a gay couple would require that those wounds stay fresh. And those wounds stay fresh in moments of low self-esteem, rejection from same-sex peers, abuse, or when developmental needs for same-sex affirmation/bonding go unmet.

Perhaps what I'm saying is that gay relationships are inherently unstable and short-lived because they are rooted in unresolved emotional undercurrents. The cards are stacked against them. Without addressing those old wounds, we're bound to fall into coping patterns. These patterns reinforce and repeat themselves becoming harder and harder to break free from. Satiety only comes (temporarily) from seeking newer and more intense novelty. And perhaps that's why long-term gay relationships are doomed to failure.

But maybe I'm wrong. If gay couples last, perhaps it's more the exception than the rule. I just haven't seen it play out that way in real life.

Have you?

1) Lila Rose. (2025, July 9). Can Therapy Change Who You’re Attracted To? w/Dr Nicolosi Jr | E229 Lila Rose Show [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrvHTmgbsmI

2) McWhirter, D. P., & Mattison, A. M. (1984). The male couple: How Relationships Develop. Prentice Hall.

3) In memoriam: Andrew Michael (Drew) Mattison, Ph.D. (2006, January 12). UCSD Campus Notice. https://adminrecords.ucsd.edu/Notices/2006/2006-1-12-2.html

4) Xiridou, M., Geskus, R., De Wit, J., Coutinho, R., & Kretzschmar, M. (2003). The contribution of steady and casual partnerships to the incidence of HIV infection among homosexual men in Amsterdam. AIDS, 17(7), 1029–1038. https://doi.org/10.1097/00002030-200305020-00012

5) Kolk, M., & Andersson, G. (2020). Two Decades of Same-Sex Marriage in Sweden: A demographic account of developments in marriage, childbearing, and divorce. Demography, 57(1), 147–169. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13524-019-00847-6

6) Goldberg, A. E., & Garcia, R. (2015). Predictors of relationship dissolution in lesbian, gay, and heterosexual adoptive parents. Journal of Family Psychology, 29(3), 394–404. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000095