Feeling Discouraged

My sister told the family this Christmas that she and my brother-in-law are expecting. Baby is due next year sometime. And I'll be a first-time uncle.

I feel a whirlwind of emotion I wasn't expecting. Obviously, I'm very happy for them. But I also feel strange and pensive. My thoughts have got me evaluating my own life.

I want a family of my own. Perhaps more than anything in the world. I'm a little jealous that they'll be having a kid. It seems so natural for them. But for me it feels impossible.

In many ways, I feel stuck. Trapped in a state of perpetual childhood. I look like a man, but on the inside I'm still just a boy. I see my friends working hard to provide for their families. And here I am, buying a project car.

It sounds silly, but I feel like I don't have a much of a purpose. Without a family of my own, I don't have anyone to pour my energy into. No kids to raise. No wife to love. I am rudderless. In some ways, I'm waiting for my life to start. But I'm already starting to see gray in my beard. My best years are slowly getting stolen and I seem to be letting it happen.

I'm tired of waiting for good things to happen and time is going by faster. I feel motivated to be more proactive. Rather than letting life happen to me, I need to do better in actively shaping it.

When I think about what I want my life to look like, I see myself as a husband and father. With that end in mind, I can take baby steps towards realizing that dream. In practice, that might mean going on a few dates. Trying to have a relationship with a woman.

In my head, I know the limits I feel are self-imposed. But at the same time, they're so hard to move past. I try to recognize the progress I've made and how much I've grown, but it's slower than I'd like. I often lose patience with myself.

They say the journey is more important than the destination. Perhaps that's true, but it's not comforting. I want to get there. But I need to be careful not to hinge my own self-worth on my marital status. On whether I have a family of my own or not. It's a recipe for discouragement.

Maybe that's what I'm feeling now: a little discouragement.

When I'm feeling down, it's easy to focus on what's going wrong. And when I focus on what's going wrong, sometimes that's all I tend to see. It's easier then to fall into old patterns.

Instead I should shift my attention to what's going right.

And there are a lot of things to be grateful for. But it's not always apparent to me until I start writing them down. Funny how the mind tends to focus on what's missing rather than what's there. So let me refocus on the good that's happened this year.

In 2025, I really tried prioritizing relationships – with both friends and family members. This hasn't ever come naturally for me, but having meaningful connections makes me feel more anchored. Letting people in can be healing. I'm still learning how to do it.

I also dialed in on my own physical health. I focused on getting enough sleep. Proper exercise. Nutritious meals, etc. All of that contributes to my overall wellbeing.

The newsletter also comes to mind. I finally started writing. I had thought about doing it for a few years. But I never worked up the courage to do it till about 6 months ago. Writing helps me organize my own thoughts and feelings – and that gives me a greater degree of control in my life.

I also think about the handful of you that are subscribed. Thank you for being here. I write with you in mind, and that makes the writing feel more meaningful. In some way, it's given me purpose.

Next year, there are all kinds of changes that I'm hoping for. But instead of just hoping, I'm going to try harder and do something.

I want to become the best version of myself. That requires my best effort. It's exhausting. And it's discouraging at times. But I also know I tend to be my harshest critic. So perhaps I'm doing better than I think.

Maybe we all are. So here's to 2026. Wishing you all a Happy New Year! The best is yet to come.