Grateful

I started writing this newsletter to help others feel connected and to organize my thoughts. When I was younger, I would've wanted something like this so I wouldn't feel so alone. I have a lot of things I want to write. But this week, my mind has been on the holidays. And in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to share a few things I am grateful for.

The same-sex attraction I experience sometimes – I used to hate myself for it. It used to be something I tried to distance myself from. But nowadays, I see it a little differently. Instead of pain and confusion, it's slowly become something that no longer bothers me. It's gone from consuming my mind, to the occasional thought.

When I reflect on my own journey, I feel grateful for my experiences. I sometimes have unwanted thoughts and feelings, but when they come up, I just see them as an indicator of my emotional health. I don't put more weight on them than I need to. And I don't take them at face value.

We all have thoughts and feelings that are sometimes inconsistent with how we see ourselves. The challenge is to learn to manage them. For me, when the same-sex attraction comes up (thoughts, feelings), I remind myself that perhaps something is amiss in my emotional or relational life. But more importantly, those thoughts and feelings present an opportunity for me to become more self-aware by evaluating my internal state.

As I've leaned into that idea, I no longer feel like a spectator in my life or a victim to my circumstances. Now, I can choose to do something about my thoughts and feelings. I can investigate where they come from with a curious non-judgmental compassion. I can learn healthier ways of meeting my emotional and relational needs. It takes practice, but I'm getting better at it. Something that was once a great source of shame is quietly becoming a source of resilience. And for that, I am grateful.

When I was younger, I thought I was doomed to a fate not of my choosing. I would wonder, why me? But that question only made me bitter. But a more helpful question is: what am I to learn from this?

It's a subtle shift, but it makes a world of difference. I wish I knew it earlier. It's not something that easily changes overnight. For me, it's been more of a process...one that has only come into focus in hindsight. But now instead of becoming bitter, I'm becoming better. A better version of myself...in more than one way too.

Because I've experienced my own challenges, I'm less prone to judge others when they're struggling. I know firsthand how the past can influence the trajectory of your life. So now I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to be kind. I'm more empathetic. More understanding. And more gentle. I kind of like who I'm becoming now.

And while things have improved, this isn't to say that I'm exactly where I want to be in life. In fact, there are a lot of things I wish were different. There are a lot of things I am working to change. I'm still trying to shake my own self-imposed limits. But on a whole, I have a lot to be grateful for.

Thank you to the handful of you who have subscribed. I feel less alone knowing there are others out there who resonate with what I'm writing. I also hope you're able to get something out of this too.