'I Cannot Tell My Family'

'I cannot tell my family'

It's an experience all too familiar for those of us who struggle with our sexuality. Sometimes it feels like a secret too heavy to share. Perhaps you can relate?

I know this person on Reddit can.

The original poster (OP) says:

Have you guys told your parents/family about your SSA situation? I don’t think I can but it’s been really hard. I just turned 30 the other month and they have been asking about getting a wife or a girlfriend. I don’t want to lie anymore and say some more alibis.

This SSA has been my secret for the longest time. I don’t want to tell it to people because in my mind if I tell them the more it becomes true. I have prayed for God to take this away, but the SSA is real and strong more than I admit.

My family look up to me as the one who uphold most the Christian values. I am active in the ministry, most of the time I am their moral compass because I speak up to them about worldly things they do. Every time they ask me why I don’t have someone yet, they go ahead of me in saying it’s impossible for you to be gay/homo(whatever) you can’t possibly “DO” that. And when they say that it’s usually on an almost angry tone. How can I ever tell them?? The shame alone won’t let me. Also, I’m afraid if I tell them, all the more they’re not going to take being Christian seriously. I don’t know what to do

I want to respond to this Reddit post with some thoughts of my own. But it's not my place to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do. Instead, I can share my experience and perhaps highlight some takeaways.

I know what the OP is feeling. I'm only a few years older. I've felt the same way before. I've struggled with same-sex attraction (SSA) for a while. But for a long time, I've kept those feelings secret. I felt deeply conflicted. There was a part of me that wanted people to know me. To see me. But there was another part of me that was afraid of being rejected. And so I spent a lot of my twenties hiding from my feelings. Not letting anyone close.

I had told my parents a long time ago. I don't remember their response exactly. But remember feeling frustrated. They were quiet and expressed concern, but they've never brought it up again or asked me any questions. Some of my siblings know too, but nobody talks to me about it. Sometimes I wish my family were more supportive. But I don't blame them, I just don't think they know how.

It can be a lonely journey, if you don't have support. I want so badly to have a wife and kids of my own. Not having anyone to share the heartache or disappointment sometimes feels too heavy to bear. At some point – mostly out of desperation – I finally found the courage to start sharing with others how I felt. And I think that's also when things began to change.

In my case, I was able to first confide in a therapist, and then some close friends. They were supportive and empathetic. And that gave me the courage to share with others. It got a little easier each time. Even though my struggle didn't go away, I would come away feeling lighter.

Being able to share your deepest feelings with another can be therapeutic. It can neutralize the shame that I think drives the same-sex attraction. This is especially the case when sharing with a same-sex peer who may not struggle in the same ways, but who can be attentive, empathetic, and understanding.

For me, the lack of deep emotional connection with other men feeds the SSA. So if I can share with another guy what I'm going through – and feel supported in doing so – that often can satisfy those underlying emotional needs that might otherwise leak out in other ways. It's a two way street though. I also find that when I'm able to be vulnerable with other men, they'll often reciprocate, sharing their own insecurities. This strengthens the relationships. And I think we both come away feeling bolstered.

Humans are social creatures. We need each other. I don't think we're able to thrive in isolation.

Now, a few words specifically for the OP:

You're right. It is very hard. But in some ways, I think holding onto secrets is even harder. I don't know the answer for your situation. I just know that in my experience, I needed help. I needed to be seen. But in order for that to happen, I needed to open up.

I don't think my family has the kind of bandwidth needed to hold space for me in this way. That may or may not be the case with yours. What you share, how you share it, and who you share with, is a personal decision.

You might start small. Find someone you trust. You don't have to tell them everything all at once. But I do think that sharing can help ease some of the pressure you might be feeling.

Sometimes sunlight is the best disinfectant.