I Still Find Men Attractive

I remember when I told my reintegrative therapist that I was still finding men attractive. He told me that no amount of therapy would fix that.

I was confused. That was the entire reason I was in therapy: to address the unwanted same-sex attraction. I voiced my concern. And we discussed how it's fine to recognize an attractive man. Perhaps it's even normal to notice beauty around us. But it was still bothering me.

Before, I had thought that 1) seeing an attractive guy, and 2) being attracted to him were the same things. And I was trying to get rid of both of them. I've since come to realize that they're similar, but distinct.

Put differently, attractive is describing the guy. Being attracted to him is describing what's happening with me. One is a quality I think he possesses, the other is my own reaction to it. These terms get conflated because they happen in rapid succession.

The pattern goes like this: first, the immediate acknowledgment that someone is attractive – for example, seeing a really good-looking, shirtless guy on social media. Then the second part, the ensuing sexual pull that follows that initial recognition (e.g., fantasizing about him). This pattern happens quick, like a one-two punch.

Recognizing this pattern is half the battle. And understanding it gives us more influence in how things play out. I think it's key to managing unwanted same-sex attraction.

Let me explain.

I used to get frustrated when I would see a good-looking guy and be drawn to him. I would beat myself up because I wasn't changing. The attraction was still there. But if we break this down, that initial acknowledgment isn't what I was trying to address. Seeing a good-looking guy wasn't the problem. It was the sexual energy behind it that was causing me grief.

There's no amount of therapy that would make me not recognize an attractive man. And that's ok. I can see him as a normal guy. An attractive guy, but a peer nonetheless. He can be attractive, AND I don't have to be sexually drawn to him. They're not mutually exclusive.

We know this intuitively I think. Perhaps you can relate. For example, I have a friend that's a pretty good-looking guy. But I'm not sexually attracted to him. In fact, that idea kind of grosses me out. Why is that? How is it I can find him attractive, but not be attracted to him?

There are varying degrees of control that we have over 1) who we find attractive and 2) how that sexual energy is directed. Often, if left unprovoked, that sexual energy will just follow our attractions. Meaning, if I see an attractive guy, that sexual energy will be directed towards him. The one-two punch. This was sort of my default mode for a long time. But learning to manage unwanted same-sex attraction means learning to decouple this process.

We learn to slow it down. I don't think we have as much control over who we find attractive – noticing beauty in others is natural. I've found that it's less helpful to focus on that first piece. But I think there are things we can do to learn to manage that second piece: namely, how that sexual energy is directed.

I'll give an example. If I see a good-looking guy, running shirtless, I can recognize that he's attractive. Again, if I don't do anything about it, that sexual energy will probably be directed towards him. But the key is to slow down, take a deep breath, and recognize I'm having this reaction. Rather than taking that reaction at face value, I can learn from it.

What aspects about him am I attracted to? And how do I feel about myself in that moment? More often than not, when I find myself attracted to another guy, I'm emotionally feeling down about myself. That makes me more susceptible to the one-two punch.

Here's another way to think about it: that sexual energy is saying less about who I am, but more about how I feel about myself now. Deep down, I long for what I feel like he has that I don't. He is attractive precisely because I think he has what I think I'm missing. It's not that he's a good-looking guy. It's that that triggers in myself my own inadequacies. And to deal with that quiet and hidden emotional distress, my body and mind default to sex to regulate. But it's not really about sex.

It's hard to recognize this, especially in the moment. But when this happens to me (as it still does from time to time), I try to notice the similarities between me and him, not the differences.

Going back to my good-looking friend – I don't think I'm sexually drawn to him because we are friends. I know him. His faults, weaknesses, insecurities. He's not that different from me. And when that sinks in, that sexual energy just isn't there. I wonder if this is why gay couples don't tend to last. The sexual energy disappears once they actually get to know each other. It's the mystery – the fantasy about another guy – that fuels the sexual charge.

If I could underscore one key takeaway from this newsletter, it'd be this: When I focus on the differences between us, I'm only drawn to him even more. But when I see that we're not so different, the attraction itself loses its grip – even if he is attractive.

At the end of the day, it's ok to find someone attractive. Normal even. But if that attraction begins to draw us in a direction not of our choosing, perhaps it's just a sign that something is amiss in our own emotional life. In those moments, try and see the similarities.

He's probably not that different from you.