I Want to Watch Porn

There are days where I feel like it’s very much possible that I meet a nice girl, settle down and have some kids. Other days that seems impossible. And today is one of those days.

I've not been in a great mood this week. Work is too stressful for what I get paid. I am struggling keeping up with bills. I'm single and lonely with no prospects in sight. It's fair to say I'm feeling a little pessimistic about my personal and professional life.

And it's times like these where I feel most susceptible to the allure of porn. Porn is an escape. It's a temporary distraction from the pain. But it solves nothing. And in the long run, I feel more withdrawn and less confident. The more I indulge, the more my unwanted thoughts and patterns crystalize.

In some ways I feel like like Tantalus, tormented by an unquenchable thirst. Pornography doesn't satisfy. It's a temporary distraction.

I've seen this pattern all too many times. It's an emotional state that proceeds the desire. It's when I'm feeling lonely, shamed and/or have low self-esteem – that's when the temptation is greatest.

Research also seems to support my observation.

A 2022 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine examined the roles of emotion dysregulation and loneliness as predictors of 'problematic pornography use' (PPU)¹. In a sample of 1,022 adults (mean age 39.7 years, 54.4% male), researchers identified three factors that predict 'problematic pornography use':

• male gender,
• difficulties in emotion regulation (e.g., challenges in managing negative emotions),
• and higher levels of loneliness.

Researchers conclude that these factors significantly predicted higher PPU scores, explaining 23% of the variance. Here's the original study if you want to do a deep dive.

The key takeaway is this: emotion dysregulation and loneliness significantly increase the risk of 'problematic pornography use.' Other studies have come to similar conclusions. Pornography potentially serves as maladaptive coping mechanism². And it can increase depression, anxiety, stress, and impulsiveness – making you feel worse about yourself and your relationships³.

But what does that mean for me? For us? For those who might struggle with both unwanted same-sex attraction and pornography? And how do we handle those urges when they arise?

If porn is a subconscious strategy for managing distress, the first step would be to recognize how that process unfolds. This is easier said than done. Mindfulness is a skill that takes time to develop. As I become better at recognizing my own internal state — such as when I feel lonely or depressed — I'm better positioned to take proactive steps to address my emotional distress. Otherwise, if left on autopilot my subconscious will direct me towards porn because it knows that's a quick fix.

But in reality, it's not a fix at all. It's really a numbing agent. The emotional distress is still there, it's just now masked. So when those urges come up – and if I can recognize them – I take it merely as an indication something is off in my life. It's not indicative of a moral failing or a defect in my character. Rather, it's just a 'check engine light' that has gone off.

If recognizing that emotional state is the first step, then addressing it in a healthy way is the second. For example, if I'm feeling lonely, I might try talking to a friend. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, I might try writing down my feelings. If I'm feeling restless, I might try walking my dog. I'm not talking about a fleeting conversations, jotting down a few notes, or a quick walk. I'm talking about raw conversations, expressive writing, and exhaustive exercise. It sounds simple, but they don't teach you this in school: emotional regulation is a life skill. It's a trial-and-error process that is unique to each individual.

To summarize, the research points to porn as 1) a way to regulate our emotional state and 2) loneliness is a risk factor. So successfully avoiding porn and managing urges probably includes learning healthy ways of emotional regulation, and taking steps to hedge against loneliness. How that's done though, will be up to each individual. What works for me might not work for you, and vice versa.

I can say that learning to regulate my own emotional state makes me less susceptible to porn. It is a struggle with ups and downs. But as a whole, I'm learning to exert a greater influence on the trajectory of my own life.

Now when I'm feeling good about myself, when I'm being productive, when I feel confident about the direction of my life, the temptation seems to fade – with little direct effort on my part. And I think it gets easier over time, with practice.

1) Cardoso, J., Ramos, C., Brito, J., & Almeida, T. C. (2022). Predictors of Pornography Use: Difficulties in emotion regulation and loneliness. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 19(4), 620–628. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsxm.2022.01.005

2) Mestre-Bach, G., & Potenza, M. N. (2023). Loneliness, pornography use, problematic pornography use, and compulsive sexual behavior. Current Addiction Reports, 10(4), 664–676. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40429-023-00516-0

3) Vieira, C., & Griffiths, M. D. (2024). Problematic Pornography Use and Mental Health: A Systematic review. Sexual Health & Compulsivity, 31(3), 207–247. https://doi.org/10.1080/26929953.2024.2348624