Making Friends

The older I get, the more I realize how important friendships are — especially for those of us who struggle with same-sex attraction. This wasn’t always this clear to me. When I was younger, I was an awful friend. I never let anyone get close. And I was possessive of the few friends I did have. But every few years I’d move to a new city (for work), get a new number, and start again fresh.

On the one hand, it felt smart. No one could hurt me, cause no one really knew me. But at the same time, I was lonely. And that loneliness only grew. I found I could hang out with a group of friends and laugh at all the same jokes, but still feel invisible. It wasn't their fault, it was me. I was the one that built up that armor. But that armor I was getting too heavy wear.

I used to be scared that if people knew what I struggled with, they wouldn't want to be my friend. Everything I didn't like about myself was constantly top of mind. I was self-conscious and insecure. I let those feelings get the best of me.

I'm still trying to figure out how to take off that armor. In some ways, I'm more confident than I used to be. But in others, old patterns still persist.

I'm writing about this topic (friendship) in response to a comment I got a few weeks ago. The reader shared that he has difficulties forming meaningful relationships with straight men. I can certainly relate.

Many of us who struggle with our sexuality carry attachment wounds that make same-sex friendships feel risky. Early experiences can wire us to expect rejection, misunderstanding, or that our needs for connection won't get met. So we stay guarded. It keeps us on the sidelines.

I'm not sure there's a simple fix, but when it comes to friendships, here are a few things I've learned so far:

• You have to put yourself out there — even when it feels awkward.
  If left to my own devices, I’d stay home after work, walk the dog, and call it a night. Meeting new people is uncomfortable, especially when you’re carrying an unseen emotional burdens. But the only way I’ve found to change the pattern is to practice.
• Start with shared interests. When you're trying to make new friends, look for common ground. Simple shared interests create natural bridges for deeper conversations later. Try joining a pickup basketball game. Invite someone out to coffee. Or show up at the men’s Bible study even if you don’t know anyone. The more you do it, the less daunting it becomes.
• Most people are too busy thinking about their own stuff to notice yours. This one took me a long time to believe. I used to assume everyone was focused on me — my voice, my mannerisms, my height, etc. Things I'm a little self conscious about. The truth is, they’re usually preoccupied with their own inner dialogue. And when we realize that, it doesn't feel as high-stakes anymore. People aren’t nearly as focused on us as we fear.
• You don’t have to spill everything at once. Once you've made a few acquaintances, or have identified existing friendships you want to strengthen, start with baby steps. Don't open up until you feel ready. Share only what you feel comfortable. For me, I felt it was important to share my experience with same-sex attraction. Now, most of my closest friends now know where I’m at, but it took time — sometimes years — to get there. When I finally opened up, not one of them rejected me. A couple were quiet (they just didn’t know what to say), but every single one showed compassion. It takes time to build meaningful relationships. Trust is built in small, consistent moments.
• Let friendships give you what you're actually craving. This is the most important point. For a lot of us, the ache behind the same-sex attraction comes from the affirmation, attention, and affection we might have missed when we were younger. But the right friendships can act as corrective experiences. It's not too late to get those things. It just takes some work to get there.

Right now I’m trying to take my own advice. I’m getting back to church — not just attending, but actually trying to make friends. I’m want to find other guys who like cars or who also have a dog to bring on hikes. Maybe I'll even meet a girl.

Friendships are hard to make and maintain, especially if you've spent years putting on armor. But if you've put on armor, you also know how heavy it gets. It can feel scary to open up and be vulnerable. But I think the rewards far outweigh those risks. In my experience, it doesn't happen all at once. It takes time.

If you're in the same boat, I invite you to take a small step this week to connect with someone. Could be as simple as a text. It all adds up. And please know that you're not alone. There are more of us wanting the same thing: real friendships and real belonging.