My Experience in Reintegrative Therapy

A few years ago, I was really struggling. I didn't know what my life was going to look like. I was at a crossroads. In my search for answers, I came across the work of Dr. Joseph Nicolosi.

Naturally I was curious. It was the first time I had considered that my own affections were the result of experiences from my past. As I watched a few of his videos, some of what he said resonated with me. So I got ahold of one of his books, Healing Homosexuality: Case Stories of Reparative Therapy¹. I was surprised. The clients he described sounded like me. I must've read the book in a single sitting.

But I was still hungry for more. I felt persuaded, but also cautious. The internet almost exclusively says negative things about him and his work. So I got another book to try and decide for myself, Shame And Attachment Loss: The Practical Work Of Reparative Therapy². This time, I couldn't finish it in one sitting.

That book was much more technical and I didn't understand it at first. But there were parts that felt right. And that gave me a little hope. After considerable thought, I decided to reach out for clinical support.

I contacted the Reintegrative Therapy Association – where Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Jr., continues his father's work. And in the summer of 2020, I started my therapy journey. I was so nervous.

My therapist was kind, but I was guarded. I hadn’t talked to anyone about how I felt. I wasn't sure anyone would understand me. But we jumped right in.

Reintegrative Therapy is psychodynamic in nature – meaning, the underlying framework emphasizes the resolution of developmental traumas, attachment insecurities, and early life experiences as potential influences on sexuality and behavior. It's not really talk therapy. And is more focused on resolving the past than it is on discussing the present.

When I first started, that was a surprise to me. I thought we would talk about what was bothering me – namely, my sexuality. Instead, we talked about my childhood. And I begin to realize that my childhood wasn’t actually that great. We started processing past traumas that I hadn't thought about in years...experiences that have impacted how I see myself and how I interact with others.

Reintegrative Therapy is also somewhat formulaic. We systematically identify these past experiences and process them using EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) — an evidence-based treatment modality³. Some people think Reintegrative therapy is just a rebrand of conversion therapy (which itself is ill-defined). But I think a more accurate term would be trauma-informed therapy.

My sexuality really only came up when I brought it up, and when we explored where those feelings were coming from. I soon came to realize that perhaps my same-sex attraction was just a symptom. And I was getting treated for wounds that I didn't even know were there.

At the time, I didn't realize how badly I was hurting. I had carried a sadness with me for years. A sort of melancholy. It's the feeling of being utterly alone and unloved – even when there's no reason to feel that way. It was always lurking back there. Until therapy, I used to think it was a separate issue. But I've come to believe that that sadness was driving the same-sex attraction. And they were very much related.

Therapy was difficult. And by that, I mean emotionally draining. Most sessions we would explore parts of my past I had pushed out of my mind. Parts that I had buried deep. I knew that if we could treat them, I'd feel better. But I also dreaded facing what was back there. Most days after therapy, I felt like I needed a nap after the session.

I didn't see many changes at first. Progress was slow. In hindsight, it took me years to get to where I was, so it made sense that it would take some time to heal. But after meeting regularly, my life started to feel disrupted...in a good way. Almost as if I was starting to wake from a daydream. I started seeing myself in a different light. Temptations no longer had as much pull. But I was also grieving the childhood I wanted to have. There are things that shouldn't have happened. And things that I wish did. Healing meant accepting those losses instead of trying to numb them.

It takes many months, but I start to feel better. I begin to realize that maybe I'm not broken. I start trying to let people in. I text friends and pick up old hobbies. But I feel upset with my parents. Being around them reopens old wounds. I bring it up in therapy. It's all part of the healing process.

I'm becoming more assertive, letting people know what I really think. I don't feel as out of control of my life. My sexual attractions haven't changed 180 degrees, but I do notice some changes. I have a self-awareness I didn’t have before. I feel like I have more agency in how I behave. I don’t feel drawn to men as much as I once did. But the prospect of dating women still feels somewhat aspirational. I was headed in the right direction, but I wanted to get there faster.

Despite the positive results I was noticing, I decided to take a break from therapy after 2+ years. Not because it wasn't effective, but because it was getting expensive. I also felt like I was getting diminishing returns after a while. And I was in a good place for the time being.

Reintegrative Therapy set me on a new path. I learned so much about myself during that time. In some ways, it fundamentally changed the trajectory of my life. It didn't fix everything, mind you. But it gave me an enhanced capacity to take control of my own life. I was very much stuck before, sleepwalking through life, just letting it happen to me. Now I was awake.

I've since worked with other clinicians and practitioners to learn more about myself. But I look back on that time as the beginning of a journey. I've written before about how it's ok to ask for help. This for me, was one of those times. I wish only that I had done it sooner.

1) Nicolosi, J. (1997). Healing homosexuality: Case Stories of Reparative Therapy.

2) Nicolosi, J. (2016). Shame and attachment loss: The Practical Work of Reparative Therapy.

3) What is EMDR? (2024, December 3). EMDR Institute. https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/