Not Called to Celibacy

Sometimes I feel like having my own family would be impossible. A wife and kids feels so far out of reach. Instead I feel like it'd be easier to just stay single and celibate. But when I sit with that thought, it doesn't quite feel right either.

I came across a post on Reddit that resonated with me. I think the original poster (OP) captures the feeling better than I could.

The post reads:

Does anyone else not feel called to celibacy but rather to start a family?

Despite my same-sex attractions, I don't believe that God intends for me to remain celibate forever.

Instead, I feel that He wishes to guide me through these attractions, to help me understand them, and to deal with them fruitfully, so that one day they will no longer be an obstacle to forming an authentic relationship with a wife and having children.

I'm not sure if I really have much to add, only that I agree. And I feel the same way.

But sometimes the weight of that aspiration feels monumental. Like a mountain too steep to climb. So I stay at the base camp, warming my hands by the fire...thinking about preparing, but never quite making the trek.

To be honest, I'm comfortable being single. I like it. The prospect of dating feels overwhelming. Women scare me. I find them both intimidating and draining. But maybe I just haven't met the right one?

I've been working through managing my attractions to men, but I think there's also work to be done in overcoming blocks I have towards women; I think I know where they come from, but it's just hard to move past the past.

It's also hard to put myself out there. I see myself in the mirror and see all my flaws, everything I'm insecure about. And I wonder if she'd accept me. Would she help me see the good? Would she understand? God, I hope so.

I imagine her being kind and gentle. I picture her being patient with me, encouraging me to pursue my hobbies, inviting me to help others, and supporting me when work is hard. I'd feel drawn to her love. And my focus would be on her wellbeing. Together we could start a family. Work would feel less important, because I'd have a new job. A father.

It feels so far away. It's just a daydream. And yet I remain stuck single. As I evaluate my life today, I'm on the fence. I don't really feel attracted to men like I used to. But I'm also not really attracted to women either. I can't be bothered to put myself out there. I don't feel ready yet. It feels too raw. I'm still licking my wounds.

But I take courage in others who are in the same boat. One man writes:

Yes. I have a strong desire for a wife, and to be a father someday. I believe God wants to help me work thru these desires, so they aren’t an obstacle to me as I date, and hopefully marry. I could have written everything you said. That’s one of the strongest desires of my heart.

Maybe there are more of us out there. Maybe others are stumbling along the path I'm trying to discover. But still, it feels like swimming upstream. Nowadays society doesn't seem to appreciate traditional families. Instead, western culture promotes casual sex, discounts marriage, encourages abortion, and affirms LGBT+ identities. It is easy to get swept away.

Why is it so hard to swim against the current? Is it just as hard for me as it is for others?

And it's not even that the path is hard. It's also that I feel a sort of existential urgency as well. Time seems to go by faster the older I get. I want to have kids the old-fashioned way, AND I don't want to be an old dad.

I want to be able to keep up with my kids. I imagine playing with them. I'd be interested in their interests and encourage them along the way. I would be their protector, in every sense of the word.

But I worry it's getting late. Then again, I feel like so much of this is outside of my control. Doesn't mean I can't try.

If you're in the same boat, please share. Make some comments. Help others know they're not alone.