Why ‘Born This Way’ Isn’t the Full Story

For as long as I've been around, the message has always been clear: if you experience same-sex attraction, you're 'born this way' and there's nothing that could or should be done about it.

The idea that one is born gay is presented as a settled science — something you inherit, like eye color. No choice involved, no real change possible. For me, that idea kind of made sense for a while. After all, these feelings showed up early and they felt strong. And trying to change left me feeling frustrated and depressed.

But the older I get the more I realize something feels off about it. Sexuality is far more complex and nuanced than 'born this way' suggests. Research from a few scientific studies challenge the idea of a fixed, purely innate orientation:

• There's no single 'gay gene' and limited genetic influence. The largest genetic study ever done on this topic looked at nearly 500,000 people. Researchers found no single gene — or even a small set of genes — that determines same-sex attraction. Instead, they found thousands of small genetic variants that combined only explain 8–25% of the variation in same-sex sexual behavior¹. That leaves the vast majority of influence to other factors.
• Identical twins often don’t match. If sexual orientation was strictly 'born this way' and hardwired in our DNA from conception, identical twins — who share virtually 100% of their genes — should almost always share the same orientation. But they don’t. Multiple twin studies show concordance rates usually fall in the 20–50% range². Perhaps biology plays a role, but clearly it’s not the whole story or a guaranteed outcome.
• Sexual attractions can and do shift over time. Long-term research, including psychologist Lisa Diamond’s longitudinal studies, shows that for many people attractions are fluid³. Patterns that feel dominant in one season of life can change or weaken years later. This fluidity isn’t rare or imaginary — it’s documented across large groups of participants.

If sexuality isn’t 100% genetic, then what other factors are at play?

In my own case, I never consciously chose to experience same-sex attraction. What developed instead was a cascade of unintentional coping mechanisms that came from a less-than-ideal childhood environment. I turned to other men and porn to soothe deep emotional distress I didn't know was there. Those early experiences shaped attachment issues that affected how I saw myself and how I connected with others. For me, nurture seems to have played a heavier role than nature.

That's not to discredit biological factors – I do think that there are some genetic predispositions that make one susceptible to developing same-sex attraction. For example, I've noticed I tend to be a more sensitive, introspective person compared to most. And it's traits like these that perhaps make me particularly vulnerable to emotional wounds – those wounds, in turn, can fundamentally shape our sense of self and our desires. It wasn't until I found myself in therapy that I began to understand why I carried these wounds and how they playing out in my life.

I take issue with the 'born this way' argument not only because it simplifies something that is nuanced and complex, but because it misses the mark. It denies one's own sense of agency or choice in the matter.

In my observation, 'born this way' frames us as powerless victims of our wiring with little real say in how our life unfolds. I’ve noticed that many of us seem more comfortable with explanations that don’t involve personal responsibility — because choice brings both freedom and a bit of weight. But choice doesn’t mean we consciously picked the attractions (I certainly didn’t). It just opens the door to how we choose to respond to them.

The reality is that same-sex attractions are the product of many factors — both environmental and genetic. For many people, sexuality exists on a spectrum that can be fluid and subject to influence. It's not set in stone.

I can’t tell you exactly what percentage of my orientation comes from environment versus genetics. But perhaps that split matters less than the question of agency. It’s the difference between being a victim of your circumstances and becoming an agent of change.

I didn’t choose to feel the way I feel. But I can choose how I respond to those feelings. I can indulge them. I can suppress them. OR I can approach them with curiosity — and in doing so, perhaps learn how to move toward the life I want.

1) Ganna, A., Verweij, K. J. H., Nivard, M. G., Maier, R., Wedow, R., Busch, A. S., ... Zietsch, B. P. (2019). Large-scale GWAS reveals insights into the genetic architecture of same-sex sexual behavior. Science, 365(6456), Article eaat7693. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.aat7693

2) Kendler, K. S., Thornton, L. M., Gilman, S. E., & Kessler, R. C. (2000). Sexual orientation in a U.S. national sample of twin and nontwin sibling pairs. American Journal of Psychiatry, 157(11), 1843–1846. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.157.11.1843

3) Diamond, L. M. (2008). Female bisexuality from adolescence to adulthood: Results from a 10-year longitudinal study. Developmental Psychology, 44(1), 5–14. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.44.1.5