The Attractions Were Never the Problem
I used to think my attractions were the problem. If I could just make them go away, everything would be fine. But the more I've learned about myself, the more I realize the attractions were never really the issue. They were pointing to something deeper.
Here's something that changed how I see myself: all human beings have the same basic needs. Connection. Belonging. Safety. Feeling seen. And behavior — all behavior — is just an attempt to meet those needs. Sometimes we meet them in healthy ways. Sometimes we don't.
When I was younger, I didn't have the language for what I was missing. I just knew something felt off. I wanted my dad to notice me. I wanted to feel like I belonged with the other guys. I wanted someone to tell me I was enough. These aren't wrong desires. Every kid wants that. But when those needs go unmet long enough, the longing doesn't just disappear. It finds somewhere else to go.
For me, those legitimate needs got tangled with desire. Not because I was wired that way, but because that need for masculine connection had gone unmet for so long. My mind took a legitimate need — to feel accepted by other men — and routed it through the only channel that seemed intense enough to satisfy. It wasn't a conscious choice. But it also wasn't destiny.
I think culturally we see behavior and assume it defines us. For example, someone uses drugs and we label them an addict. Or a man who sleeps with other men and we call him gay. But what if the behavior is pointing to unmet needs. What if the drug is meant to numb the emotional distress within? What if the same-sex behavior is meant to give the emotional intimacy he's always craved?
Maybe behavior tells us something about what we need — not who we are? For me, this shift in perspective has been helpful for at least 3 reasons.
First, that shift helped slow the fixation on the attractions themselves. Rather than taking them at face value, I started asking, what am I actually looking for right now? The answer was usually pretty simple. I'm lonely. I feel invisible. I feel dismissed. Those aren't sexual needs. They're emotional ones. But when you've spent years regulating your emotions through sex, the brain has a hard time knowing how to meet those emotional needs in other ways.
Second, this means the work isn't about white-knuckling your way through temptation. It's about learning to meet your needs in more lasting ways. A meaningful friendship. A conversation where you actually let someone in. A moment where you feel seen. These things do more for me than just sheer willpower.
And finally, when I understand that behavior points to unmet needs — I am more kind to myself. I'm less critical when I fall short. I don't label myself or see myself fundamentally different than other men. I still have needs that go unmet and days where old patterns still pop up. But I'm learning that the behavior isn't my identity — it's just pointing to something I might be missing.
The challenge is to learn how to listen.
I know the idea that behavior points to unmet needs can feel somewhat simplified. Human sexuality is complex, and this is just one helpful lens. For me, though, this reframe has brought some relief — especially when dealing with behavior that doesn’t align with my own values. It’s a simple shift in perspective, but the implication can be powerful.
I don't need to fight the feelings. I just need to learn what they're telling me. And unwanted behavior doesn't define who I am – it just might point to what I'm missing. So best be kind to myself. Labels aren't always helpful.
The Art of Being Straight
I try and picture a younger version of myself reading this. When I get in that headspace, I worry that younger me might feel even more lonely or frustrated at the daunting road ahead.
It's ok to feel that way. Change doesn't happen overnight. For some, change might look like greater peace or self-control, even if the pull remains. My intent isn't to tell people how they should live their lives. I only want to share my perspective and experience in trying to live according to my own values. The hope is that in doing so, people find some strength and comfort in knowing they're not alone.
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