Were They 'Always Gay'?
I'm going to try and answer a question from one of our readers today. Perhaps you've had a similar thought.
One thing that I struggle with is the argument some use for those who marry, have kids and then divorce to move to the gay lifestyle, claiming that they were "always" gay. How do you counter that line of thinking? People who have this view believe being gay is something a person is born with.
A few things come to mind in trying to answer this. But before I share my thoughts, I want to validate that for many people, we don't choose our feelings. They're very real and very strong. Often, we've carried those feelings with us for a long time. So in some sense, I empathize with those that feel they were 'always gay'. I thought the same for a while too.
But as I've done my own research and tried to understand why I felt this way, I've come to see things differently. Here are at least 3 points that contradict the 'always gay' notion:
First, I don't know that the binary of either 'gay' or 'straight' holds for many of us. Attractions are fluid for many people and can shift over time. Longitudinal research – such as psychologist Lisa Diamond's 10-year studies¹ – documents that dominant attraction patterns in one season of life can weaken, change, or even reverse later. Sexuality is less of a binary and more of a spectrum influenced by many factors including, genetics, early environment, emotional needs, and how we respond to those needs. In short, sexuality is not set in stone.
Secondly, The claim that one is 'always gay' is not supported by the science despite what most people believe. For example, large studies find that genetics explain only 8–25% of variation in same-sex sexual behavior². And identical twin studies, where siblings share nearly 100% of their DNA, show concordance rates for same-sex attraction in the 20–50% range at best³ – not the near-100% you'd expect if sexuality were purely innate. In other words, we've not found a 'gay gene'. The fraternal birth order effect suggests biological factors that influence sexual orientation. But the reality is, we're not just victims to our biology. There are other things that influence sexuality, other things we have a greater degree of control over.
TAOBS
Finally, trauma can also play a powerful role in shaping sexuality. For many of us who experience same-sex attraction, there’s often a background of childhood emotional wounds – things like insecure attachment, rejection, bullying, or emotional neglect. These early hurts leave deep unmet needs for love, affirmation, and safety. Over time, same-sex attraction can quietly develop as an unconscious coping mechanism to try to fill those needs. What starts as an emotional hunger ends up feeling completely natural, like 'who I am.' The feelings are very real, but understanding their roots gives us a more nuanced perspective.
For the specific scenario mentioned – someone who marries, has kids, functions in a heterosexual relationship, then later divorces and shifts to a same-sex relationship while claiming they were 'always' gay – the 'always' part is the unproven assumption. In my opinion, it serves as a tidy narrative to fit today's cultural script, but it ignores other very real possibilities: genuine sexual fluidity, same-sex attraction emerging as a symptom of deeper unmet needs, and/or unprocessed trauma.
In short, the 'always gay' line is a comforting story for some, but it doesn’t hold up against the complexity of how sexuality actually develops – or the evidence that it can and does shift for many.
I spent many years in therapy before I actually began to see a shift. Even now, I grapple with unwanted feelings. But I don't see it as an integral or unchangeable part of my identity. I believe people can change and grow. The alternative is the belief that people are static and do not change. And that, in my opinion, is a sad outlook on life.
I can't fault people for believing they were 'always gay'. I don't know what life experiences might have reinforced that view – and it's not my place to judge. Had circumstances been different, I might have been a proponent of that line of thinking. At the end of the day, I don’t think our job is necessarily to 'counter' that line of thinking. In moments I was struggling, it would've been more helpful had someone offered unconditional support and love, while listening to my concerns and gently pointing out that people aren’t locked into one bucket for life.
You can honor real feelings without letting them define your entire future.
I hope that answers the question. If you've got other questions you want me to try and answer, just respond to this email or leave a comment below. Thanks for being here.
1) Diamond, L. M. (2008). Female bisexuality from adolescence to adulthood: Results from a 10-year longitudinal study. Developmental Psychology, 44(1), 5–14. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.44.1.5
2) Ganna, A., Verweij, K. J. H., Nivard, M. G., Maier, R., Wedow, R., Busch, A. S., ... Zietsch, B. P. (2019). Large-scale GWAS reveals insights into the genetic architecture of same-sex sexual behavior. Science, 365(6456), Article eaat7693. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.aat7693
3) Bailey, J. M., & Pillard, R. C. (1991). A genetic study of male sexual orientation. Archives of General Psychiatry, 48(12), 1089–1096. https://doi.org/10.1001/archpsyc.1991.01810360053008
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