Practical Tools to Reduce Unwanted Same-Sex Attraction

I'm not claiming these are a cure; but here are some practices, mindsets, and resources that have quietly lowered the intensity of my same-sex attraction (SSA) over time. I don’t have a magic formula. And there's not a 'fix'. But after years of quietly working at this, the volume has gone down quite a bit. I hope it continues to do so.

Here are a few things that help move the needle for me.

Mindset Shift

For me, the biggest thing in managing unwanted same-sex attraction was shifting my mindset. Rather than seeing it as the root problem that needed to be addressed, I began to see it as a symptom — a byproduct of earlier unmet needs and childhood wounds. But it's not easy to shift your mindset, especially in a world that tells you you're 'born this way'.

When I stop seeing the SSA as 'who I am' and start seeing it as 'what my nervous system is still trying to fix,' the shame begins to dissipate and the intensity slowly follows. Practically, that looks like pausing when the unwanted attractions arise and asking three gentle questions:

• What do I actually need right now? (approval, connection, safety, masculinity affirmation?)
• What's happened lately that's got me feeling down?
• And what old wound might this be echoing?

I don’t always get a clear answer, but just asking forces me to slow down. Sometimes, I've had a stressful day at work. Other days, I feel misunderstood and alone. Learning to identify the state that precedes the SSA is a prerequisite to not being controlled by it.

Emotional and Somatic Awareness

Most men I know who struggle with SSA (including myself) carry a deep, pervasive sadness — a kind of melancholy that haunts us. Some find ways to distract themselves or hide from it (loud parties, drugs, other men, porn, etc.). Others attribute it to other mental health concerns like depression or anxiety.

Dr. Nicolosi describes this state as the 'grey zone'¹. It’s both emotional and physical. It feels something like this:

• Numb, flat, 'dead inside'
• Lonely, discouraged, empty, helpless, hopeless
• Inhibited, passive, restless but without energy
• Heaviness in the chest or body, low energy, tension, or a 'foggy' feeling
• A kind of pseudo-grief

In the moments I feel that way, the SSA is strongest. This 'grey zone' feeling – both in body and mind – is the precursor to same-sex attraction/behavior. It fuels the SSA as a coping mechanism. It typically happens automatically and quickly. First the 'grey zone.' Then the SSA. I've described this before as a one-two punch. Learning to manage SSA requires us to decouple this sequence.

For me, I needed clinical support and trauma work to sort through it. I needed to learn why I was in the 'grey zone'. And in my experience, that state doesn’t fade unless it’s addressed. I suppose my recommendation would be this: get clinical support if you can. Therapy done right can be incredibly helpful — not the affirming kind, but the trauma-informed, attachment-focused kind. I'm not sure I'd be where I am now without some of the deeper work that came from therapy.

In addition to therapy, I’ve found if I can calm my body in those moments of SSA (deep breathing, exercise, a hike, etc.), my mind often follows suit. It’s mindfulness in practice. It also goes without saying that proper sleep, diet and exercise go a long way in improving outcomes.

Acting out on SSA is often just a distraction — a way to numb the discomfort ('grey zone feeling') rather than address the cause. On this site, you'll find a Resources page that has several clinicians, books, podcasts, etc. to support you along the way. Many of them I've used myself in some capacity. But if you do meet with a clinician, don’t go in expecting a miracle. It won't be a day/night shift. It’s slow work, but it’s meaningful.

Managing Thoughts

I’ve written before about managing unwanted sexual thoughts. Thoughts influence feelings, and feelings influence behavior. It’s a cycle: thoughts → feelings → behavior². If I’m not careful, my thoughts feed a self-reinforcing loop of fantasy and SSA.

The thoughts themselves aren’t the enemy, but hyper-fixing on them is. Especially if those thoughts lead to SSA behavior (acting out, porn, etc.). It's a slippery slope because that cycle reinforces neural pathways in my mind that make change difficult. Instead I try to use simple mindfulness practices to notice thoughts without overidentifying with them³. What I give attention to grows — so I try to focus elsewhere. For me, writing is another way I organize my own thoughts. (In that sense, I hope this newsletter is helping both of us).

One more key point I want to make here: if you fall short (porn, fantasy, acting out, etc.), don’t beat yourself up or ruminate. Learn from it, then get back up. Falling short is expected, but it doesn’t erase your progress.

Relational Healing

Change doesn’t happen in a vacuum. For years I tried to fix myself quietly and alone. I’ve learned it doesn’t work that way. The attachment wounds that often fuel SSA are relational in nature, so it makes sense that healing is relational too.

Real platonic same-sex friendships can become corrective experiences. They slowly fill the emotional hunger that SSA tries to satisfy in less healthy ways. It’s hard to make and maintain friendships, but they matter. For more on this, see my recent post on Making Friends.

Closing Thoughts

I still grapple with SSA at times. Some days it’s quieter than others. But the intensity is lower than it was a few years ago, and that’s enough for me right now. Managing the SSA is one step. Developing opposite-sex attraction (OSA) is another – but that's a topic for another time.

If any of this resonates, I’d love to hear what’s working (or not working) for you. Leave a comment if you’re a subscriber, or just hit reply if you’re reading this in email. And if it helped, please consider sharing it with someone else.

1) Nicolosi, J. (2016). Shame and attachment loss: The practical work of reparative therapy. Liberal Mind Publishers.

2) from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)

3) from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)