Ebb and Flow

Lately, I’m at the point where I don’t really feel that attracted to guys, but I’m also not really interested in girls either. I’ve done a lot of work to get here — but it seems like these attractions just ebb and flow.

I'm sort of on this neutral ground now. Like a third party observer just watching myself experience life.

A few days ago, I was really tempted to look at gay porn. I didn't. But I wanted to. I knew it was just because I was feeling stressed. Other days, I feel completely asexual. Uninterested in anyone and content to be alone. But yesterday, I woke up in the morning and remembered I had dreamed about being with a girl.

I didn't know her. She was beautiful though. She made me feel safe. I was relaxed and I could be myself around her. I wish I could remember the dream. And I wish it was real.

This isn't even the first time that's happened. Sometimes it feels like my heart and mind are shifting on their own, without much effort on my part. Of course, I'm not where I want to be, but I sure am long ways from where I used to be. So, what's changed? What am I doing?

In some ways, I've not done much at all. I've just been living my life in a way that's consistent with my values. I've not given up or given in. I'm cautious of what I feed my mind now (avoiding porn). And I make sure to take care of my own emotional needs – meaning I prioritize spending time with the guys.

But in other ways, it's felt like I've been trying to move the world. Years in therapy trying to understand myself and my past. Scouring books and research literature for answers that made sense. Wondering if others might be in the same boat. Wondering if I was alone in this. Wondering if I had reason to hope.

I think life is like that sometimes. There are periods where we ebb and flow. Where life feels manageable, maybe even great. But then there are other times where we don't see a way out. And I've been there more times than I care to admit. In those moments, I wish I could've zoomed out to see the big picture. I wish I could've given myself some grace and patience.

I beat myself up when I fall short. There are days where I succumb to temptation. And those are the days I hate myself most.

But then there are days where I wake up and realize I had a dream about a girl. And then I realize that I shouldn't have beaten up on myself so much. It wasn't productive or helpful.

I think the lesson is this: when I focus so much on what's not going right, that's all I tend to see. And I miss all the small changes that happen almost imperceptibly. Like a dream.

It might feel like the journey is one step forward and two steps back. But maybe it's more like consistent baby steps forward, and a small periodic stumble from time to time. The problem isn't that I fell, it's that I made it a bigger deal than it needed to be.

If I could just see that I'm doing better than I think, I'd be more kind to myself. And life might not feel like such a battle.

I've read comments online from folks that read this newsletter. I can hear in their words how hard they are on themselves. I want to just shake them and let them know they're doing alright – even if it doesn't feel like it.

There was time where I didn't see a way out either. But I'm learning that there are seasons to life. Just because something feels impossible now, doesn't mean you'll feel that same way about it in the future.

Hang in there. Choose to believe brighter days are ahead.