I Spoke Up

I got a nasty email at work the other day. One of the managers sent out a note accusing me and a few others not following policy and spreading rumors. None of it was true, but I was still surprised to see my name in it. At first, I wasn’t sure what to do.

A few of my colleagues told me not to say anything and that it would just blow over. Others told me that speaking up would risk escalating the situation. They might have had a point.

Sometimes it's easier to stay quiet. But it didn't sit right with me. Staying silent felt like admitting guilt. So instead, I didn't take anyone's advice. I clicked, 'reply all' and fired back a pointed email of my own – obviously keeping it polite and professional.

My coworkers were right. It did escalate. We got another sharp email from the manager. But reading it, I could tell she was already backing down. So I sent one more, this time copying her boss.

That was last week and I've not heard since. I think the issue fizzled out. But since that time, something else has changed. My colleagues have been different with me since. Nicer. More respectful. A few even said they were impressed I spoke up. It’s like they see me differently now.

I feel it too. I stand a little taller. A little less timid and a little more confident.

Now what does this all have to do with unwanted same-sex attraction?

I think in the past I used to be much more quiet, reserved, quick to observe others' reactions and quick to adjust my own behavior accordingly. But I'm starting to assert myself more because I'm realizing it's part of the problem.

When the manager initially sent the nasty email, I could feel something in my chest withdraw. It was a sense of being keyed up, on guard, defensive. I felt a sort of dread. Years ago, I would’ve taken it personally. I would’ve stayed quiet, gone home, and tried to numb it out with porn. That was the pattern. When something felt off, I’d turn it inward instead of dealing with it.

This time I didn’t. I said something. And once I did, the tension moved out of my body and into the situation. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was better than carrying it around.

I used to think anger was something to avoid. Now I see it differently. It’s a signal that something isn’t okay. It is a boundary-setting emotion. It is the natural response when you feel like you've been wronged. It is neither good nor bad. But you can choose how it is directed.

When I was younger, that anger never went anywhere useful. It just stayed inside and turned into shame or self-doubt. These days I’m trying to let it point outward when it needs to, and express it in healthy and appropriate ways — even when it’s uncomfortable, and even in places where I still struggle, like speaking up with women.

To have a boundary crossed and actually push back does something – even if it's uncomfortable. It builds a kind of confidence I didn’t have before. The kind that makes it harder to fall back into old coping habits. And the kind that the men I admire seem to naturally possess.

I still don’t like confrontation. But I’ve noticed that every time I speak up instead of shrinking, something in me settles. The more I do it, the less I feel pulled toward the old ways of dealing with stress.

And that matters more than I used to think.

Sending an email may feel like a small thing, but it reminded me how much has changed. And it's small changes like these that add up and make a difference.