A Life That's Only Mine

Sometimes I feel lost. I work, come home, and go to sleep. Wake up and do it all over again. I don't really know what to spend my time or money on. I have hobbies and things I enjoy doing. But it doesn't feel like I'm working towards something. It feels like I'm waiting for my life to start.

My sister just had a baby. And I am so happy for them. To be honest, I'm a little jealous myself. I see young couples that are my age starting to have families of their own. It seems so easy and natural for them. I want that for myself but it feels so daunting.

I got to hold my nephew the other day. He is very small and very precious. I think about the possibilities and potential he has. I see my sister and brother-in-law sacrifice for him. And I want that.

Holding him sort of stirred up this deep instinct to provide and protect. But I'm not his father. I'm not anyone's father. So what do I do with these instincts?

To be honest, I'm feeling a bit down. It's not good to be alone. In some ways, my life feels a little meaningless without a family of my own.

I've been on my own for a while and it's easy to develop a sort of selfishness. I mostly just do what I want to do. My time is mine. My money is mine. My decisions only affect me. There’s a freedom in that, but it’s starting to feel hollow. No one to love. No one to build up. No one to protect. No one whose needs come before my own.

I don’t actually want unlimited autonomy. I want to be needed. I want someone who grounds me, who limits me in the best way, who I can make a family with. I want the weight of responsibility for other people.

Feeling Discouraged

Time to shift my attention to what’s going right

The Art of Being StraightTAOBS

But there are things that are within my control and things that are not. I worry that life won't turn out the way I want. And that realization feels heavier than usual. So perhaps it's best to take things day by day.

I can continue to put myself out there. Work on myself. Write. Do hobbies and things I enjoy. Spend time with people I love.

And hopefully, when the time is right, I'll get my wish.

If ever I had a son, I'd want him to do his best, keep going and not get discouraged. So perhaps that's how I should treat myself. I don't know what the future holds. All I can do is my best.

Has anyone else ever felt this?