On Kindness and Patience
I was thinking about my life this past week and all that's changed up until this point. I'm sort of dating this girl now – which is great, it's a little new and scary. We're taking it slow. I am eating healthy and exercising regularly. I have hobbies that occupy my time outside work. I keep in touch with friends. I don't watch porn or masturbate. I kind of like who I am now.
But it hasn't always been this way, and I'm still not where I want to be. But I've been on this journey for several years at this point. Here are a few observations that I wish I could have internalized earlier.
Be Kind to Yourself
When I was in my early 20's what I've just described above would've felt impossible. My mind was consumed with the idea of being with another guy. It wasn't just a desire, it felt like a need. I didn't see a way past it, and I don't think my mind was in the right space to consider alternative possibilities. I was absorbed and consumed by what I felt.
I felt trapped. Part of me wanted that life. The other part of me wanted something else. I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. My psyche couldn't handle the stress. I felt there were no good options. I never got to the point of wanting to hurt myself; but when people are trapped like that, I understand where the feeling is coming from.
In hindsight, I feel like I should've been kinder to myself. I was hyper-critical, holding myself to a standard that felt impossible. And I was miserable as a result. I was focused on the feelings, I didn't have the bandwidth to question where they were coming from.
But since that time, I've matured a bit. I've realized that those stories I told myself – they really did impact my self-esteem and how I interacted with the world. I could have told myself something nicer. I could’ve told myself, 'I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’m going to keep trying.' That would’ve made a difference.
So the first thing I wish I knew back then is this: be kind to yourself. The way you talk to yourself when you’re confused or ashamed matters more than I realized.
Be Patient with Yourself
After I started therapy, I was hoping all my problems would go away. They didn't. It takes time for the mind and body to begin to resolve and reconcile. It took time to work up the courage to assert myself, maintain boundaries and share what I was really thinking.
In my experience, overcoming same-sex attraction is less about changing the feelings, and more about self-discovery. I'm not 100% there yet, but I think that those same-sex feelings stem from and are influenced by how I feel about myself. When I feel down, have low self-esteem, that's when the SSA is strongest. On the flip side, when I feel confident and good about myself, the SSA fades to the background.
My path has involved understanding why I feel down and resolving those experiences that have caused me to feel that way. It has also required me to engaging in new experiences that form positive associations in my mind (for example, fostering platonic friendships with other men).
It's not something that happens overnight. Healing old wounds isn’t fast. Getting honest with yourself isn’t fast. Forming new patterns in your head isn’t fast. I had to learn to be patient with all of it.
Last Thoughts
I notice my mind is not as much preoccupied with other guys. I feel more calm. More settled. I think doing things that help me feel good about myself make a difference. Eating healthy. Exercising properly. Getting adequate sleep. They all add up. I'm not saying these things resolve SSA. I'm saying that they contribute in small but meaningful ways to one's self-esteem. And when I feel better about myself, the old patterns have less room to take over.
I still have a long ways to go. I've always wanted to get married and have kids of my own. I wanted it to happen sooner in my life. For a while, I came to the realization that it may not happen at all. But now it feels possible. I don’t know how it’s all going to play out, but I know I’m going to need the same two things I needed earlier: kindness toward myself when I get discouraged, and patience with how long real change actually takes.
More practical tips here:
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