What I Do When I Slip Up

I still slip up sometimes, but not as much as I used to. (I'm mostly talking about using porn, masturbating or fantasizing). When it happens shame creeps in and reminds me that I haven't changed at all.

I used to listen to that voice. One mistake would turn into a week-long binge and a month of feeling worthless. But that's not the case anymore. Here’s a practical mindset I now use to keep a small stumble from becoming a total derailment.

Stop the shame spiral immediately.

The very first thing I do now is refuse to beat myself up. Shaming myself doesn’t reduce the SSA intensity — it actually feeds it. I think this is because when I mess up, I feel worse about myself. And when I feel worse about myself, I am prone to acting out more.

Paradoxically, in trying to self-medicate, I only make the wound deeper. So when I mess up, the first step is to be kind to myself.

Take a step back.

Acting out is really a way to numb or distract from the emotional distress. It thrives on shame and can quickly become a vicious cycle. But if I can pause and realize this in the moment, I’m better poised to manage the temptation.

I sit down and gently ask myself:

• What was I really needing in that moment?
• Why was I feeling down or sad?

In essence, I’m trying to understand what old wound got reopened or what unmet need the slip was trying to soothe. What I'm describing is a sort of mindfulness. Journaling can be helpful. Easier said than done in the moment. But if I'm honest with myself and take time to reflect, I can usually point to feelings of loneliness, stress, feeling unseen, or even boredom.

Naming the root makes the behavior feel less mysterious and less powerful. It's like pulling out the weed versus just mowing it down through sheer grit. Put differently, slipping up is just a symptom of deeper wounds that still need healing. I used to get caught up on the behavior itself. But now I try to understand the cause.

Change doesn't happen overnight.

A few months ago, I wrote a piece on neuroplasticity – the brain's ability to wire and rewire itself over time. One takeaway is that this process doesn't happen overnight.

When the brain has spent years coping with emotional distress a certain way, those neural pathways become well-worn highways. I can’t just tear them down. Rather, change comes from letting unwanted pathways atrophy.

Every time I act out, I’m strengthening those old highways again. But when I don’t, they start to shrink. The goal is to send less and less traffic down them over time. Gradually, those highways may no longer be the default.

Another way to put this is that I can shape my brain by consistently striving to be who I want to become. To that end, I need to do the things that I would want the best version of myself to do. Over time, what feels like an impossible change slowly starts to feel possible.

In short, it’s not the end of the world if some traffic still goes down the wrong highway. What matters is that I keep striving to become the man I want to be. My brain will take care of the rest with time.

Meet real needs.

The flip side of neuroplasticity is that the brain can also build new, healthy pathways. That takes time and practice too.

Once I’ve taken a step back and identified what’s really driving the urge – say, loneliness or feeling unseen – instead of turning to porn I can reach out to a friend and talk. For me, a same-sex peer I can be emotionally vulnerable with is usually the most helpful. Isolation and shame only feed the cycle, so I do whatever I can to break it.

Exercising, journaling, praying, going for a walk – whatever works. It’s trial and error to find what actually meets the need. The focus shifts from 'avoid the bad thing' to 'engage in healthy patterns.' Over time the brain builds and strengthens new highways with practice.

Final thoughts

The goal isn’t a perfect record. The goal is sovereignty – refusing to let one bad day lead you to give up. If you’ve slipped up recently, you’re not alone and you’re not disqualified. You can reset. You can keep going.

Be kind to yourself. Take a step back and realize what's driving the behavior. Know that change doesn't happen overnight. And find ways to satisfy those deeper needs. This mindset keeps me going, even when I feel like giving up.

Sometimes I still find myself attracted to men. But not all the time. In fact, lately it's not been that much at all. I've been talking to this girl lately... I'll probably write more about it soon. It's still very fresh. But this would've sounded impossible to me a few years ago. The point I'm trying to make is that change can happen almost imperceptibly. Give yourself time and grace.

This is what I've found to be helpful; but I'm curious, what helps you get back up?