I Feel Drained

So I started seeing this girl a few weeks ago. I like her. She's smart and pretty. And I think we're a lot alike. I am interested in her and I think she's interested in me. But I also feel a lot of uncertainty.

This sounds bad, but I sometimes feel drained at the prospect of talking to her. I'm curious to get to know her more, but at the same time I feel emotionally withdrawn when she starts to ask me questions. I feel like pulling back. I'm not quite sure how to explain it.

The other night we planned to talk on the phone. All day I kept thinking about it and it started to feel like a task – almost like something I was obligated to do. She doesn’t like talking about herself much, and neither do I. That day though, I just didn’t have it in me to go deep or answer a bunch of personal questions. I shared as much and chalked it up to being tired. But I'm not sure I was being honest with myself. Or her.

I’ve been sitting with this and I think there are a couple things going on.

Anticipating Old Patterns

First, I wonder if I'm anticipating a bad experience. From what I’ve worked through about my childhood, I think my nervous system is on guard for feeling smothered, manipulated, or like I won’t be able to speak up for myself. So even though she hasn’t done anything like that, some part of me is already bracing and pulling back to stay safe. I know that’s more about me than her, but it still leaves me feeling confused – one part of me wants to get closer, the other part needs space to recharge.

Neglecting Male Friendships

The other thing is that I haven’t been spending much time with my male friends lately. We’ve all been busy with work and life, and I think it’s affecting me more than I realized. I've written about how I need my male friendships. But I think I'm learning I need them more than I previously thought. I value our time together and often wish there was more of it. They bring a calm assurance I'm not able to find on my own.

Closing Thoughts

In reflecting on this, it feels as if my budding masculinity needs a recharge. Too much time focused on her starts to feel overwhelming, even though I like her. I don’t want it to feel that way, but sometimes it does. Maybe this is part of why it’s healthy for both people in a relationship to still have their own time – her with her friends and him with his.

I’ve noticed that the more grounded straight men I know don’t seem to get as consumed by what their girlfriend or wife thinks or feels all the time. They stay rooted in their own life, work, and friendships. That rootedness seems to let them show up more calmly and attentively when they are with their woman.

I’ve been reflecting on what this early feeling of being drained is showing me. I don’t want to overthink it or turn it into something bigger than it is, but I do think there’s something useful to learn here about how I manage my energy when I start getting close to someone new.

Going forward, I’m going to make time with my male friends a priority again. I need that space to relax and recharge without having to perform or explain myself. I can also gently let her know what's coming up for me. She can probably already sense that something feels off, and I’d rather be direct than let it create unnecessary distance between us.

This has been weighing on me lately. And writing helps me gain clarity. I’m curious – have you felt something similar? How do you protect your own energy in a relationship? You think I'm on the right track?