The Art of Not Thinking About It

Writing this newsletter is harder than it looks. Not because the research is difficult or the words won't come — but because my own struggles are always front and center. Every article requires me to sit with the very thing that's causing me angst. The thing I'm desperate to resolve.

I suspect some of you may read it the same way: with your own story running in the background, looking for answers that seem just out of reach.

Lately, I've been experimenting with distance. Pre-writing these newsletters in batches so I'm not thinking about this stuff every single week. Giving myself permission to step back and let things breathe.

I'm learning a healthy focus on fixing something can easily become an unhealthy fixation. And fixation, I've noticed, is a particular temptation for those of us with unwanted same-sex attraction. We overthink. We analyze. We turn the same questions over until they're worn smooth.

Taking a step back does not mean taking your eye off the ball. I think it just facilitates the conditions where change can actually happen. Fixation creates tunnel vision. Distance creates perspective. And strangely, the mind often solves problems in the background when we're not staring directly at them.

I think of all the men I admire in my life. They're not preoccupied with sex or their orientation or how others perceive them etc. They're out enjoying what life has to offer despite the struggles they may have.

Sexual orientation is just one small part of the human experience. But I worry we've made it the defining feature of our identity when it really doesn't need to be that way. You can be working through something and enjoy your life. You can be figuring things out and have hobbies, friends, interests that have nothing to do with who you're attracted to.

Those other things give you depth. They remind you that you're more than a single thread. It doesn't really matter what they are — woodworking, running, painting, cooking, gaming — just that they bring you some measure of joy. And that you share that joy with others.

I'm not sure the best way to break the fixation. Two things help me: turning attention toward others and focusing on what's already good. Sometimes focusing on helping others helps me forget my own struggles. It breaks my own circular thoughts and gives me rest from my mind. I also try to write down what I'm grateful for in my journal. And when I remember, I thank God for what I have and what I'm learning.

I'm learning to find comfort in giving this whole thing to God. Trusting that I'm trying my best, but not everything happens on my timetable. That maybe He knows what's best for me even when I don't. It takes the stress off, somehow. As long as I'm showing up and doing my part, I trust He'll help with the rest.

There's wisdom, I think, in being able to detach from the mind's most intractable problems. Take a breather. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Work on something you enjoy. And come back to the hard questions with fresh eyes.

I don't need to have this all figured out right now. Maybe you don't either. And that's okay.