Wanted Closeness, Braced Against It

A while back I wrote that the attractions were never the problem. That we all need the same things — to connect, to belong, to feel safe, to feel seen. And that when we don't get those things, the need doesn't just disappear. It gets louder and leaks into other areas of life.

I think it shows up mostly in how we interact with others. That's more or less what attachment is. It's not a personality type. But it's driven by how you see yourself, and it shows up in how you relate to people.

There are a few ways to measure attachment. One is the ECR-R — thirty-six statements developed by Fraley, Waller and Brennan in 2000, and one of the standard measures of adult attachment. Used in research worldwide.

I took this assessment, and here are my results.

4.8 on anxiety, 4.0 on avoidance, out of 7. Together they put me in the region usually called fearful-avoidant, which really means wanting closeness and bracing against it at the same time.

I've been doing that for years. But my plan is to take the assessment periodically to gauge if and how I'm changing.

The assessment is available now for you to take too. There are thirty-six statements and it gives you two scores. It takes about 6 minutes. Again, nothing saved, no login.

The attractions were never the problem. And maybe attachment is just how the old wounds play out. You can take the assessment here: Attachment style (ECR-R)

Fraley, R. C., Waller, N. G., & Brennan, K. A. (2000). An item response theory analysis of self-report measures of adult attachment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 350–365.