I Went on a Date!

I went on a date this weekend. First time in a long time. She's someone I've known for a while. We actually went on a date many years ago (didn't work out at the time). I was just starting therapy and was very unsure of myself. I wanted to date a woman, but had no idea how. Needless to say, things fizzled out real quick. But that was years ago.

When I heard she was coming to town, I thought I'd try again. I was nervous to reach out. But I'm glad she gave me another chance. To be honest, I was surprised she wasn't married by now. She's very smart and very pretty.

Years ago on that first date, I tried to manufacture feelings that weren't there. Of course I got distressed when they didn't come. This time around, I'm more patient with myself. I didn't immediately feel this sexual attraction towards her. But I did feel a sort of curiosity. Like I just wanted to get to know her more. Maybe it's supposed to start small like that.

We had a good time. She's very easy to talk to. Though, I found myself somewhat uncomfortable when she'd ask personal questions. I know she's just trying to get to know me, but I never like talking about myself. I think she could sense that, so she didn't push. I just hope I don't move too slow.

Over the course of the date, I felt myself less tense and more willing to share. I think she noticed it too. Because in the evening, we took my dog for a walk and she held my arm. Maybe she felt it was cold out or just wanted to get close. Either way, it caught me off guard.

The first few moments when she held my arm, I felt like I wanted to withdraw. It felt like too much too quick. But I just kept walking. And we just kept talking. After a while, it felt nice. I think it made me feel more masculine. I don't know why. Something about it had me walking a little taller.

I'm not sure how this relationship plays out. I am interested in her. And I think she's interested in me. We live far apart, which makes it tricky, but the distance also feels like something worth figuring out. There are a lot of things I want to share with her. But it will take time to build up that trust. I just hope I don't scare her away.

It's sort of exciting. For the longest time I just thought I'd live a single and celibate life. But this date – even if it doesn't go anywhere – sort of opens the doors again. Maybe it is possible to find a girl. Maybe it is possible to have a family of my own.

Of course I have my own doubts. I wonder if I could make it work. But for the first time in a while I feel excited. Wish me luck.