Female Friends

'All my irl friends are women.'

It's not an uncommon experience for men who struggle with their sexuality. I saw this post on Reddit, and want to share some thoughts¹ and tackle the big question, 'what should I do?'

The original post:

All my irl friends are women. I'm trying to distance myself from them because every time I hang out with a group of women, I feel demasculinized and I think it heightens my unnatural attractions. I'm unable to make friends with other men. I have a few male friends online, but whenever they're nice to me, I feel attracted to them. What should I do?

First, I think it takes a lot of self-awareness to notice this in yourself – feeling less masculine around groups of women, and then experiencing attraction to men when they're attentive. And I think you’re onto something – that spending a lot of time in female groups while avoiding male connection can sometimes intensify the attractions you’re trying to manage.

The pattern you're describing points to deeper wounds that hold back many men struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA). When someone learns early on that closeness with males can feel unsafe, disappointing, or shaming, they tend to keep emotional distance from them. That learning often comes from early adverse childhood experiences. And the distance it creates leaves a legitimate and unmet need for male connection and belonging.

Later, those healthy needs intensify. But if left unmet they eventually become sexualized. In short, we crave the love we never got.

The Love I Never Got

We seek what we never got.

The Art of Being StraightTAOBS

When I was younger, I felt this way. Most of my friends in elementary and high school were girls. I think it's because I felt more comfortable around them. They didn't reject or bully me. In hindsight, I was just trying to protect myself. But in doing so, I only deepened the wound.

What I've found to be most helpful is to slowly build real, mutual friendships with other men. This directly addresses the unmet need to be seen, heard, and respected by your male peers. They can help you get what you feel you're missing.

I know it's tricky because when you're in the thick of it, it's easy to develop an unwanted crush. I've been there before and in those moments, it helps to focus on similarities. It's important to feel like you're one of the guys. That can only happen when you spend time with other guys and feel truly accepted by them. As that happens, the sexual charge around other men slowly decreases, and you might not feel so different from them.

I know it's easier said than done, but here are a few practical thoughts:

• You don’t have to cut off your female friends entirely, but it can make sense to spend less time in situations that currently leave you feeling diminished while you focus on building male connections.
• I don’t think you’re incapable of making friends with other men – it’s probably just a skill that hasn’t been practiced much yet, like a muscle that’s out of shape.
• You could start with the online male friends you already have. Try moving one of those relationships toward occasional in-person contact if it feels manageable. The goal is to practice being straightforward and reciprocal rather than overly careful or guarded.
• Look for low-pressure ways to spend time with other men – through sports, hobbies, volunteering, faith communities, or work-related activities. You’re not looking for special or particularly attractive men. You’re looking for a normal guy you can be comfortable with and gradually get to know as an equal.
• Expect some discomfort at first. Feeling attraction or nervousness when men are friendly is common when you’re first practicing this. The important thing is to stay in the relationship anyway and focus on being a good friend back.

Other thoughts more generally on making friends here:

Making Friends

The older I get, the harder it seems be.

The Art of Being StraightTAOBS

I think over time, your sense of identity as a man will become stronger. And it will be easier to maintain your own boundaries in different settings.

You're on the right track for just noticing this about yourself. I used to be there not too long ago. What we’re dealing with is an old protective pattern that no longer serves you. Consistent, real-life friendships with other men can go a long way toward changing how you relate to both men and women.

1) I keep getting banned on Reddit, so I just write here instead.

I Got Shadowbanned

So much for free speech

The Art of Being StraightTAOBS