I Think She Broke Up with Me
I've been kind of seeing this girl for a few months. It's been great. In some ways, it's been a confidence boost. But there were a few challenges – she lives far away and the long distance wasn't really tenable.
But I suppose there's more to it than that. It takes two people to make a relationship work. She wanted to take a break to work on a few things coming up for her. In reflecting on this, I think there are probably a few things I need to work on too.
I don't want to get into the details of everything, rather I just want to reflect on what I've noticed about this experience.
I wrote before how certain aspects of the relationship were draining for me. And while I do think that was more me than her, I find myself really bummed about how things turned out. But maybe that's a good thing.
TAOBS
In that relationship, I was careful not to try and manufacture feelings that weren’t there. I wanted to take things slowly and see if something could develop naturally. We’re taking a break right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s completely over. Still, I feel sad that we don’t talk anymore. And I think that says something — it means I actually care. That’s no small thing for me. For a long time I wasn’t even sure if I could be in a relationship with a woman. But now I have a greater degree of confidence that I can.
In some ways I felt very comfortable around her. I could just share my thoughts without judgement. But in other ways, I would sometimes feel burdened by trying to attend to her emotional needs – sometimes at the expense of my own. This would cause me to pull back.
One moment in particular stands out. We were on the phone and she wanted to talk about how my day was. But I didn’t feel like getting into it. My job has been pretty rough lately, so I told her honestly that I didn’t want to talk about it. I could tell she took it the wrong way. Later she said the whole thing made her 'spiral.'
From that experience, I think two things happened. For her, it clearly brought up a lot. For me though, standing my ground actually felt...good. It felt good. I was able to stay firm in my own boundaries. I was able to say no when I didn’t want to do something. I know that might also sound trivial, but it hasn’t always come naturally to me. There have been times in the past when I wasn’t able to, and I think that’s part of what led to that drained feeling I’ve written about before.
In thinking about this more, I suspect some of my reaction ties back to early childhood experiences — times when I was expected to do things I didn’t want to do, and saying no would’ve led to punishment or disappointment. So I learned to put other people’s emotional needs ahead of my own, even when it left me feeling disconnected from myself.
This whole experience has been eye-opening for several reasons.
One, I think I surprised myself with how naturally my own affections started to grow. But she was the one that wanted to take a break. I didn't necessarily want that, but I respected her decision. I feel sad for what could have been, what the relationship could have grown into. I miss talking to her. But this only means that I cared – something that feels new to me.
Second, I was able to maintain my own boundaries without falling into guilt or self-blame. It's a masculine trait I've been trying to cultivate. That hasn’t always come naturally. For too long I would automatically take responsibility for others' emotions. This time I didn’t. I don’t blame myself for how things turned out, and that feels like real progress. It would be easy to point to this experience as a reason why things couldn't work – or that I can't change. But that's not true.
This has been a learning experience; I do think I am better for it in the end. Maybe it just wasn't the right time.
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