What Neurofeedback Taught Me About Same-Sex Attraction

A few years ago, I stopped doing Reintegrative Therapy. It was good – I had learned about the connection between trauma and unwanted same-sex attraction, and EMDR had been helpful – but I felt like I'd plateaued. Something was still missing.

I knew I had made gains in therapy. I understood the framework: that same-sex attraction can stem from unresolved childhood trauma. Using evidence-based treatments like EMDR, I could resolve old wounds and achieve greater emotional regulation – the same treatments used for PTSD in clinics around the world. So I started wondering: if therapy can shift sexuality by resolving trauma, could other trauma-informed treatments do the same?

Around this time, I read The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk. In it, he mentions neurofeedback as a treatment for trauma patients. I was intrigued. I kept pulling at the thread and found another book: Neurofeedback in the Treatment of Developmental Trauma: Calming the Fear-Driven Brain by Sebern Fisher. They weren't writing about unwanted same-sex attraction, but the people they were writing about sounded like me.

I learned that neurofeedback helps the nervous system regulate itself through real-time brain training. So naturally the question became: could neurofeedback address unwanted same-sex attraction too?

Between September 2024 and January 2025, I decided to find out. I did about 34 sessions total. And I think it did move the needle, just not how I expected.

What Is Neurofeedback?

Neurofeedback is fascinating. You wear sensors that pick up your brain's electrical activity in real-time. When you produce patterns associated with calm or focus, you get immediate feedback through sounds or visual cues. Over time, your brain learns to produce these helpful patterns more consistently. No medication, no invasive procedures. The brain simply begins to rewire itself.

It's established treatment for ADHD, anxiety, and PTSD. I figured if it could help trauma survivors regulate their nervous systems, maybe it could help me regulate my own emotional state. Or whatever drives these attractions.

What My Brain Looked Like

I did a brain scan (qEEG) back in March 2023. On the surface, my brain looked mostly normal – actually, high-performing. But digging deeper revealed my nervous system was stuck in overdrive. I could focus and perform, but I couldn't recover. I was neurologically capable, but my brain had lost the off-switch. Or maybe it never developed one.

The default mode network (self-reflection) and visual network (external monitoring) were locked together – constantly generating content, never quieting, always scanning for threats.

This made sense. Through EMDR, I had processed the memories that caused my nervous system to dysregulate in the first place. But the nervous system itself was still stuck there. The neural highways were still in place, even though the traffic had quieted. It was as if it needed to be coached back into feeling a state of calm, assertive relaxation. New highways needed to be built. Or put differently, my nervous system needed to feel what it never got in the first place – that sense of secure attachment.

What I Learned

The changes started subtly. After a few sessions, I realized I was more present in my body. I noticed when it was cold out, I could actually feel the chill on my skin. Before, I just intellectually knew it was cold so needed to put on a jacket. But after neurofeedback I was more tuned in to my own body.

This might sound basic, but for me it was a big step. I think I didn't know how to live in my own body – and I'd often need to numb it to avoid the emotional discomfort. The neurofeedback was slowly bringing me back down into my body and teaching me it was ok to be there.

In retrospect, I think the key point is this: feeling safe and regulated is more somatic than psychological.

It's one thing to try and notice your thoughts and feelings, it's something completely different to feel them and not be controlled by them. For me, neurofeedback created that space. A space between the stimulus and my own reactions.

Neurofeedback didn't eliminate unwanted attractions. That's not what it does. What shifted for me was the compulsivity and intensity. It was as if I had greater emotional control – not that I didn't have feelings, but more like I could observe them rather than acting on them automatically. The grip loosened.

Can it treat unwanted same-sex attraction?

Maybe. Indirectly — and mainly by treating the dysregulation underneath it. Though, I don't want to veer too far outside my lane with the question. I will say that neurofeedback was helpful for me.

In many ways, it's complementary to EMDR and the framework put forth in Reintegrative Therapy. Namely, that changes often emerge as underlying patterns resolve – not as a direct target.

After Reintegrative Therapy, I felt like my mind was unburdened by the past. But it didn't know how to move forward. I felt like a little boy who was timid and testing out the world. Neurofeedback helped me feel more grounded, confident in myself – not in the sense of self-esteem – but in my own body. I could learn to listen to it and be ok sitting still.

A few other things I noticed after neurofeedback training. I didn't get angry as often or as quickly. And curiously, I started to dream in color – whereas before I could never recall any dreams.

Closing Thoughts

Neurofeedback underscored for me that unwanted attractions are a symptom, not a cause. The core issue is that my nervous system was stuck in a chronic state of vigilance. And that I needed to learn self-regulation (still ongoing).

Neurofeedback helped me with just that. It's like holding a mirror up to your brain and allowing it to see itself. Over time, it learns to adapt. That mirror showed me that my own defenses use achievement to avoid vulnerability.

I think for healing to occur, the body needs to heal just as much as the mind. Trauma is logged physically. So it makes sense that treatment could extend beyond the psychological into the somatic. And I think neurofeedback is one treatment that can reach parts of the mind/body that traditional talk therapy can't quite get to.

In short, I'm less uptight after having experienced neurofeedback. It didn't replace the trauma work I'd already done – it gave my nervous system something to latch onto: the felt sense of what secure attachment actually feels like. Calm, assertive, confident. More flexible. Not by erasing old neural highways, but by forging new ones. My body now had a reference point for what safety could feel like. And I didn't know that was missing until I found it.