Done Waiting

I have an uncle who is in his mid-60's. He's single. Has a good job. Does things he enjoys. Spends money on toys. But he is not a happy man. I don't see him often. He doesn't engage much with the family. I think he was dating this younger girl for while. I don't know what happened.

I am cautious not to judge. I don't know his life story or circumstances. But it dawned on me that I could be like him. His is a cautionary tale.

I think for a long time, I've just been waiting for good things to happen to me. Waiting to heal, waiting to meet a girl. But not actually doing anything about it. I just work. I don't have many friends in town. I have to force myself to socialize. But somedays it feels easier to just sink deeper into myself – focusing on things that don't matter.

I worry that if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'll just end up single and bitter. I've been feeling this way for some time and something's got to give.

A Life That’s Only Mine

And it’s starting to feel hollow.

The Art of Being StraightTAOBS

I guess what I'm trying to say is I need to put in more of an effort. I've heard it said that you pray as if everything's in God's hands, but you work as if everything's in yours.

But lately, I find myself doing neither. I just wait and try to survive each day. I'm tired of being on autopilot. Tired of occasional slip ups. Tired of being on my own. Some days, I think I'm ok with being a single, celibate man. But other days, I feel this desperation.

I guess I'm still a bit bent out of shape with what's happened with this girl I've been seeing. I was just hoping things would turn out differently.

I Think She Broke Up with Me

What I learned about myself from the experience.

The Art of Being StraightTAOBS

I'm writing this in a state of melancholy I suppose. I don't know how to be ok with an ordinary life.

I know when I write I tend to stay more secular with my writings. But lately I feel like I'm missing a spiritual aspect. The confidence that I'm doing alright by God. To be honest, I do struggle with my own faith at times.

And I think to a certain extent, I'm trying to reach my goals on my own. I don't involve Him as much as I should. I'd like to think we have similar goals. I'd like to think He's got a plan for me. I just don't know what it is. And I'm afraid I won't like it. So maybe I'm afraid to ask.

But then again, maybe He's got something wonderful planned. And maybe I'm just not ready for it yet.

Normally when I write, there's a specific purpose. Some message I want to get across. But I'm not sure that's not the case today. I suppose I'm just wanting to voice my thoughts and feelings. And maybe I'm just trying to find a way to recommit myself. Both to God and my values.

I see my life and where I want it to go. I also see where I don't want to end up. I'm just not sure how to navigate in between. It is exhausting trying to become the best version of yourself.

But I'm finding that it's even more exhausting not to.