On Being Assertive

A few weeks ago I wrote about speaking up at work – how pushing back helped me see something I hadn't before. That when I stand my ground, the unwanted same-sex attraction quiets. I've been trying to pay attention. And now I'm see the pattern everywhere.

I bought a car this past weekend. Anyone who's tried to buy a car from a dealership knows the headache I'm about to describe. Being peppered with small talk. Sales people don't know what they're talking about. Awful add-ons that are presented as a 'deal'.

In many ways, it takes a strong constitution to make it through the negotiation process. I managed to claw my way out with a new car after about 5+ hours. But in reflecting on the experience, I saw the pattern again.

Normally, I'm a bit more passive and polite – cautious even when meeting with others. I don't like conflict. When I was younger, I think I was a lot more eager to please people, irrespective of my own feelings on the matter. But that was not me at the dealership.

I wanted this car. And I stood my ground. I called out the sales people who tried to add on a 'pro pack' for $1000 that I learned only included floor mats. I also got them to remove the 'security system' that is literally a GPS tracker. And I ended up with a fair deal. Not spectacular, but one I am happy with.

I came away feeling good about myself. I felt more confident. Assertive with my boundaries. And pleased that I wasn't taken advantage of. It was stressful in its own right. But it's moments like these that same-sex attraction gets pushed to a remote corners of my mind.

I have noticed in myself in stressful situations, especially ones where I don't feel like I was heard or respected, that the same-sex attraction gets dialed up a notch. But conversely, in those moments of assertiveness and self-assurance, the unwanted same-sex attraction seems to fall by the wayside.

I tried looking online to see if there was peer-reviewed research in this area and came up short. However, a few things point in this direction. Joseph Nicolosi Sr. described what he called 'gender deficit' – the idea that same-sex attraction in men partly reflects a sense of missing masculine qualities, one of those being assertiveness. In essence, he was describing a form of insecure attachment: being passive and cautious with others, shying from conflict, eager to please at the expense of your own feelings. The overlap suggests that developing assertiveness and a stronger constitution might address something deeper than just surface behavior.

I'm not sure that I can say that being more assertive reduces same-sex attraction, but this thread provides a theoretical lens for why the two might be connected – and perhaps why my own observation might not be just in my head.

But the observation is this: how I feel about myself, influences who I am attracted to and the degree to which I'm attracted to them. There have been times I've had a crush on another guy. But in hindsight I wasn't in a good place. And looking back, I don't know how I was ever attracted to him – the idea seems much less appealing now. The difference is my state of mind and how I feel about myself.

Maybe being assertive means being the man I want to become. Maybe it's about being calm, centered, not easily thrown off by external pressure. Maybe it means that subconsciously I don't need to seek that elsewhere – because I already possess it.

The opposite is true too. If I feel disrespected, ignored or mistreated, that sense of inadequacy flares up. It's then easy to fall into old patterns; I become upset – but deep down, I'm frustrated at myself. It's much harder to address the root of why I'm feeling this way instead of trying to numb it.

At the end of the day, the car is just a car. But the reminder was useful: I feel most myself when I'm not placating, performing, or pretending. And when I'm most myself, the attractions have less pull – paradoxically, maybe my true self isn't the one controlled by his feelings, but the one who is informed by them.

This is the second time this month I've noticed this pattern more pronounced in my own life. I think it makes sense cognitively, but I'm starting to feel it's real, at least for me. And it's starting to get easier speaking my mind. But I'm also aware I'm working with a sample size of one, and the peer-reviewed research on this specific topic is essentially nonexistent.

So I'm curious: have you noticed anything like this? Does your own sense of assertiveness or self-possession affect the intensity of unwanted attractions? Or maybe it's just me?